Just Write ~ The Tenth

November 14, 2011

 

I’m putting away the laundry, opening and shutting wooden drawers, shirts on shirts, pants on pants, socks in the bottom. I notice the dust covering all the surfaces. Again. The closing of the windows to keep out the air that smacks of winter makes even more dust, stuck swirling inside. Sometimes I watch it in the sunlight, mesmerized. Other times I watch it with disgust and something screams inside me, I can never be enough!

It could be more simple, like, I can’t keep up! But dust strikes something deep within. The Not Enough place. Not enough time, not enough strength, not enough wisdom, not enough me.  

I run my finger through the dust, making a line and then I’m flooded with all the other things,

more laundry, more dishes, more noise, more discipline, more lists, more piles, more spit up, more paint on the floor, more crumbs on the counter…

There is a pit in my stomach but I know it’s not about piles and messes and to-do lists. It’s about fear, discontentment, a lack of control,vices, choices, disbelief, illness,

not enough. dust to dust.

I used to have a clean house. At least mostly. I remember needing that and my ability to stay on top of it and the way it looked and felt. It gave me a sense of control, order, balance, even if everything inside was not any of those things. Now, there’s no staying on top of anything so there’s no false sense of security.

The chaotic imbalance of motherhood (and life) that I work so hard to find peace in keeps me from finishing the serenity prayer. The interuptions are too many and my brain is too busy. I try again and again. Then I start to think that I can’t even pray right because I’m too hard on myself.

It’s just dusty. It’s just dust. So I run my finger through it and I see it swirl through the air and I have to take a deep breath. I change the sheets on Asher’s bed, I make lunch for him, and after that I walk around dusting the surfaces with a baby on my hip. I consider it all a prayer. 

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This is the tenth installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.}  I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. There are really no rules, besides Just Write! (Then link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.) 

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

Thank you!

Psst: One more thing…you can Grab the Button if you’d like. It’s right over there in the sidebar for your code-grabbing convenience.

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