Just Write ~ The 13th

December 5, 2011

Thousands of thoughts race through my head every day and I’d guess 80% or more have something to do with mothering–what I’m doing, how I’m doing it–critically thinking, judging myself, measuring and sitting certain that I’m coming up short.

A lot of those thoughts have been about Miles lately, his difficult adjustment to school and his new way of being as a result. What to do, what not to do, where I’ve gone wrong, where I’m sure to go wrong because I’m only one me and there’s just not enough time to work and work at it. I used to think I’d be able to mother a certain way, imagining all kinds of time to sit and talk and nurture and talk some more. It turns out there’s so very little time for that, at least right now.

Ryan is gone this week and my sister brought us homemade chicken noodle soup. So the boys and I, we broke bread together and we sipped at soup and Miles told me who he played with at recess and then he told me that he thinks the teachers at school have their own special bathroom. These were just small things from a six year old boy and they were everything. 

It wasn’t time and more time, to sit and nurture and talk because then we had to clean up and I fed Elsie and we got ready for bed. It was just a few minutes, while we buttered and sipped.

Later, after being in bed for over an hour, Asher called out for me. I rushed in, trying to hurry so his calling out woudn’t wake his brother in the next bed. He needs so much sleep for school. I said shhh, shhh, shhh, what is it? as I came through the door and he, half sleeping, pulled his little legs out from under the covers and asked me to rub them. I took each calf in my hands and started to massage, wondering about growing pains or maybe a charlie horse. His eyes were already closed again. Then he whispered, You don’t have to do it so squeeze-y.

Okay, sweetie. I slowed down and stayed a while longer, just enough time to help him back to sleep. I looked over at his big brother and whispered a prayer before my own sleep and finding time tomorrow.  

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This is the 13th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.}  I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. There are really no rules, besides Just Write! (Then link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.) 

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

Thank you!

 

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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Galit Breen December 5, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Heather? This is beautifully told.

{As always.}

xo
Galit Breen recently posted..Memories Captured Linky!

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jubilee December 5, 2011 at 11:00 pm
Jade @ Tasting Grace December 5, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Wow. That mirroring of a kind of indefinable ache in mother and son is so very poignant. I hope that, in writing this (or perhaps through some other means), you were able to rub away your own ache into a comfortable sleep as well.
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SoberJulie December 5, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Oh ….so squeezy, I am tearing up!

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Adventures In Babywearing December 5, 2011 at 11:24 pm

I was so ready to quit it all today. All I want to do and be is there for them in better ways than I am now. Deep deep down like roots.

Steph

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Robin | Farewell, Stranger December 5, 2011 at 11:35 pm

“Squeezy” – that one sentence so beautifully sums up what I know to be the experience of mothering a small boy.

Time to nurture is so tough. If only we had more…

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Robin ~ PENSIEVE December 5, 2011 at 11:35 pm

I was there. I was there three blinks ago and now I’ve got one in college and two in high school.

Growing pains. I don’t think they ever stop.

xo
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Kate December 6, 2011 at 1:00 am

You don’t have to do it so squeeze-y. It’s totally perfect. As are you, in this. I just held mine and helped him pee and he said, “I did it” as his eyes closed, and I thought of you and all these moments we all share.
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Varda (SquashedMom) December 6, 2011 at 2:01 am

“…sleep and finding time tomorrow” – does that EVER happen? Not for me, it seems. Another beautiful one, as always. I will try to find the time to write & post with JW tomorrow. Too tired tonight; need, now, to find my own sleep.
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Raw Thoughts and Feelings December 6, 2011 at 3:36 am

I love what he told you at the end! Beautifully written, and I am sure he will find his way at the school very soon.
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tracy@sellabitmum December 6, 2011 at 7:02 am

Oh my heart.love.
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Barb December 6, 2011 at 7:13 am

I think (hope) the moments add up because you’re right, it never seems like there’s enough slow, purposeful time with them. Beautifully written.
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Bridget December 6, 2011 at 8:45 am

I was just about to say, “Do we ever get past this? Past this ‘am-i-doing-it-right’?” when I read Robin’s comment. But it’s good that growing pains never stop, isn’t it? I’d rather have them than be stagnant.
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charrette December 6, 2011 at 9:11 am

There is no better comfort food than homemade soup and homemade bread! It’s what we had last night too, and it filled us in ways almost nothing else can!

I noticed how many things you listed are things Jesus did every day in the Bible…breaking bread, touching, healing, listening, serving. When you have a list like that as a mother you KNOW you’re doing something right.

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charrette December 6, 2011 at 9:45 am

p.s. I accidentally linked up twice! I couldn’t figure out how to add the photo AFTER I linked! Sorry! XOXO

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marlowe December 6, 2011 at 9:54 am

I just love to read what you write.
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Shannon December 6, 2011 at 10:19 am

Beautifully written as always. I adore your blog and this link up. I look forward to it every week!
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robin December 6, 2011 at 10:22 am

we’re going through a rough “growing spot” at home right now and this hit home (and made me tear up at work). Mothers and sons sure have a special relationship, huh?
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ats December 6, 2011 at 10:23 am

Thank you for this. xo

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Cheairs December 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

Oh Heather this is beautiful. I have no other words….but just beautiful.

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Sarah@EmergingMummy December 6, 2011 at 11:37 am

Honestly, woman. How do you make me want to cry with how beautiful real life is?
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domestic extraordinaire December 6, 2011 at 11:46 am

it ebbs and flows. Looking forward it feels like an eternity that you have with your little people and how there is never enough and now looking back at the past seventeen years and how they have flashed by. They don’t remember the stuff you would think they would, he will remember the soup and the great conversation…..trust me, you are so awesome and you are so doing it right.

xo
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suzanne @ pretty swell December 6, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Oh, this made me tear up. Your writing is always so beautiful, your thoughts so real and relatable.
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Nikki December 6, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Was just introduced to your site. This was a wonderful first post to read. “so squeezy”.
Thanks for sharing your heart. It touched me.
Off to read more!
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Elizabeth December 6, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I know this so, so well. I hope you get through this stint of solo parenting as smoothly as can be.

xo
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molly December 6, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I was tearing up until the end. “squee-zy”, lol.

That made me laugh :)

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Krishann December 6, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I feel like this so often. I feel like I’m not there enough and wonder where I’ve fallen short when things aren’t going the way I hoped or planned. I think of all the things I’ve done wrong as a parent rather than focusing on where I’ve gone right. I pictured you all sitting eating soup and imagine that the last thing on your child’s mind were all the things you didn’t do, he was probably just happy to be with you and share…

Oh and the leg rubbing made me smile. My daughter makes request at bed time often and gets specific with her requests :)
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Kathleen Basi December 6, 2011 at 5:30 pm

This really is so beautiful. All those little ordinary moments journaled for savoring later.

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nicole December 6, 2011 at 8:12 pm

“So squeeze-y.” That is my favorite part. And I love what little snippets of school kids choose to share.
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Mic January 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Oh gosh how I love to read your stuff! :)

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