Just Write {45}

July 23, 2012

She toddle-followed me to the door, getting nervous. She always wants to go with me, through any door. She wants outside and me. She loves both a whole lot.

Elsie Jane, my little but fierce follower.

I was dropping her at daycare for the first time. She and her brothers will be there two days a week while I work. Write. Work. Write.

Mother.

Yes, I bit back tears when I drove away and no, they weren’t guilty tears. They were mother tears stripped of guilt because I’m learning it’s not so much about what I’m doing but what I’m thinking about what I’m doing. I could so easily ask myself if it’s wrong for my kids to be away from me when I’m not actually punching any type of clock, but I’m not.

I’m a late bloomer, always so slow to grow up, fighting it. So I easily question myself, assuming I must be avoiding something hard because that’s what people who fight being an adult have a tendency to do. But that’s not it, not this time, because somehow I’ve been embracing this adult thing more lately. It is so much easier than fighting it.

Of course I’ve been an adult for many years but what adult really FEELS like one unless they’re done not wanting to be one in one way or another.

I’m not fake working. I’m not fake mothering. None of this is going through the motions. None of it is perfect. All of it is enough.

I worked hard today, my fingers hardly ever leaving the keyboard. I got so much done. I needed that. The words needed that. Then I picked up my kiddos and the boys were having such a great time, they didn’t even want to leave. Their Rosa (that’s our daycare mom’s name, isn’t it lovely?) had big balls of cotton balls that they were using as “snow balls” and they were having a snow ball fight and she was right in there with them, laughing.

Elsie toddle-ran to me and hugged my legs and made her happiest sounds. She didn’t stay sleeping at nap time, but she will, right? She’ll get used to it. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, she’ll be okay.

And so will I…as long as I’m sure to control my thinks.

This is the 45th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments{Please see the details here.}  I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main pageThen please link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Elaine July 23, 2012 at 9:02 pm

You will all get used to it, I promise. And when you go to get them will be the sweetest moment of your days that they are there… :)
Elaine recently posted..Nap Time

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Amanda July 23, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Sometimes it’s so hard to believe that this isn’t a dress rehearsal, that we won’t magically end up in a moment when we think, “Ok, I am ready.”
Amanda recently posted..Just Write

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Heather July 23, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Yes! That’s it exactly!

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Marta July 23, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I’m 100% still waiting to FEEL like an adult. I have no idea when that moment happens. When all my friends get married and have kids? When I no longer want to go out and have fun? When things like getting the dry cleaning feel less like a “grown up” activity and more commonplace? (I do dry cleaning maybe once a year, so it still feels fancy to me!)
Marta recently posted..What I’m Not Telling You: Part I

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Fanny July 23, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Oh, Heather, I love this post almost as much as I love my own two days a week to work and write! “None of it is perfect. All of it is enough.” “Embracing it is easier than fighting it.” Yes. YES!

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karla porter archer July 23, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I’ve worked from home for nearly 6 yrs now, and I still struggle with feeling like I’m faking something simply because I don’t get in a car and drive to work.

Two other things stood out to me in this post:
OH MY WORD, the belly! So cute!
and, I love your writing…
karla porter archer recently posted..Wrapping Our Heads Around Another New Reality

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Jen @ Martymom's Musings July 23, 2012 at 10:50 pm

It does get easier. But I know it is hard. I know.
Jen @ Martymom’s Musings recently posted..What’s With All This Abundance, Anyway?

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Heather Novak July 24, 2012 at 5:13 am

What sweet timing! I myself have debated this choice…I only need two days too! One to (hopefully not) waste and the other to really ‘work’. Why did I need air quotes? Good for you for guarding yourself and loving your kids enough to leave them a little.
Heather Novak recently posted..Weeping Wailing M&Ms

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Barb July 24, 2012 at 7:36 am

I’ve had this same day when my three were younger. Now they are 13, 11 and 7 and they all survived of course. And I feel your words – it’s not guilt, it’s just controlling the thinks. I’m not sure that ever changes though.
Barb recently posted..A morning storm

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Ann July 24, 2012 at 11:22 am

I needed this today. Thanks!
Ann recently posted..Sprung

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Baby by the Sea July 24, 2012 at 11:22 am

Oh, it’s so hard to find a balance. I question myself every time I walk away from my girls to work. But, upon returning, I’m so much better for it, having let the words escape. You’re a good mommy, and what a great role model you are for them.
Loved this, as always.
Baby by the Sea recently posted..Just Right {Portland}

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Jill July 24, 2012 at 11:39 am

“it’s not so much about what I’m doing but what I’m thinking about what I’m doing. ”
Isn’t it exciting….and exhausting….and amazingly forgiving, that it’s almost always about the process and so rarely about the thought/action/thing itself? You stated that so clearly here- thanks for the shorthand!

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kelli July 24, 2012 at 11:54 am

Oh, i really resonate with this.

Coming to peace with what is without MUST start with finding peace within.

It can be so easy, as a parent, to get caught up in what our kids need from US. And we do have an important piece to write in their lives . . . but we are far from being the Author of their story. They need Him more than they need our perfection.

Many shortcomings and hard days at day-care (or at home, for that matter) will be covered over by love. As long as they know they are LOVED, in the times we do have with them.
kelli recently posted..Musings on Matters Very Modern

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Tricia July 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Controlling the thinks… yes, oh yes indeed. I’m a late bloomer too. Good for you for taking this step. You will all be better than okay.
Tricia recently posted..Stellar parenting

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Shannon Lell July 24, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I’m right there with you. At some point, even if you’re not getting paid, you have to take yourself seriously as a writer. Good for you. I’m getting there, too… slowly. Reminds me of a quote I just read. Allow me to paraphrase: “You can’t teach your kids to reach for the stars. All you can do is reach for them yourself and hope they are watching.”

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Kathleen Basi July 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

It’s so wonderful to get so much done! My sitters are in-house and the chaos seems to reign supreme, distracting me even when they’re on another floor. I used to send them outside, but I can’t do it when it’s 104 outside. :(
Kathleen Basi recently posted..Just Write: A Letter To Age Twelve

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Heather July 24, 2012 at 3:19 pm

My children started daycare last year, too, as I pursued a creative career from home with fluid hours. I could really make sense of what you wrote here! You’re doing well for your family with it all :)
Heather recently posted..Garden Update – Our Veggies Runneth Over

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SuzieQ July 24, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I completely identify with your comment about not wanting to be an adult, or trying to deal with that thought process. It’s so hard at times to know whether or not you’re doing ‘the right thing’, but I learned that my ‘right thing’ may not be the same as somebody else. You are such a wonderful writer! This really hit home for me. Thank you.
SuzieQ recently posted..Just Write

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Amber July 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

She’ll be more than okay. She’ll be awesome. Although it hurts, you’re teaching her a valuable lesson…that who you are matters. Your dream matters. And you love her enough to take the time to be you.

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Ashleigh Baker July 24, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Yes, these thinks. Why do we justify, I wonder? Is it for ourselves, for our husbands, for what the children will think when they’re older or for each other? I don’t know. But I do know you’re right, and this is all real, all of it, and we simply plug along, getting it right and wrong all at once. So glad you’re taking time. You inspire me to not forget me.

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Addie Zierman July 25, 2012 at 6:40 am

Loved this and so needed to read it. I’ve been taking two mornings a week this summer — my first consistent time away from my kids — and it’s both entirely hard and entirely good.

I can’t believe the capacity of my heart to both need to be with my kids and need to be away from them at the same time. I enjoy every minute of my writing time, but by the time I’m on my way home, I’m like a crack addict, and I need kisses immediately!
Addie Zierman recently posted..Spiritual Birthday

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Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) July 25, 2012 at 8:16 am

Was there any writing after that painfully adorable made my uterus crave picture of THAT BELLY!?!?

You’re an awesome Mommy…
Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) recently posted..Mommy Lost Her Words

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Gianna July 25, 2012 at 8:57 am

Honestly, I am so glad that you didn’t feel guilty. That you just knew that was what you needed to make it work. And it is always something different, but it’s always motherhood. Even as a working mom or a stay at home only mom, it’s motherhood. My Doo Rag Day post (on Just Write) was the same way.
Gianna recently posted..A Promise of Hope

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rebecca @ altared spaces July 25, 2012 at 9:37 am

What I think about what I do matters so much. And I can change what I think. You got that so profoundly and it helped me today. You and your little one making a difference for me.
rebecca @ altared spaces recently posted..colorado fires: disaster and delight

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Nichole July 25, 2012 at 10:38 am

Oh, Heather.
I’ve had the nanny paperwork on my desk for nearly two months. And for months before that, I knew that I needed help.
But…well…I just haven’t been able to bring myself to fill out the forms.
Your words here are a gift. A gift that has helped me to feel differently about hiring someone to help. A gift that has helped me to see that my writing is important too.
And I can’t thank you enough for that.
Nichole recently posted..The familiar nudge of contentment…

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Galit Breen July 25, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I love that you’re taking care of you, and in that way – them. xo
Galit Breen recently posted..The Habit of Friendship

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