Just Write {52}

September 10, 2012

His hair is getting so long because he wants it that way. He’s going for a cross between an 80’s hair band and a skater dude, but he doesn’t really know that’s what he’s going for. He just wants his hair long like two of his cousins. With his brother and sister in daycare two times a week, I pick him up before Daddy picks them up. It’s just the two of us for two whole hours on Mondays and Fridays.

It’s Miles and Mommy Time. That’s what we call it, like it’s a book or a movie, all caps.

Today we went to the grocery store and he picked out his snack. Cashews from the bulk bins and a bottle of water. Well, he tried for an orange soda after he had gone to get a water but when he held it up to ask without words and I shook my head, he put it right back. Usually he says “BUT WHY?” He added a protein bar later and then after we paid he started to eat it while I packed the groceries and he looked at me sheepishly and said, “I guess I don’t like this.”

I ate it. It stuck out my mouth while I put the cans in the bottom of the bag and softer things on top the cans.

He seems more grown up when it’s just us. I get glimpses of a future, older Miles that I can’t wait to meet him while I also want to keep at bay for as long as possible so I can keep this Miles for as long as I can. Yeah kid, lay off the protein bars.

In the van on the way home he said that he saw his classmate from last year in the hall, “the one with a problem with his mind, remember Mommy? What makes his mind that way?”

That’s a really good question. I don’t think I know exactly, it’s hard to explain…

“Today we ran on the track for phy ed and I’ve never had a bloody nose before but Gavin had one a couple of days ago because the air can get too dry and that’s how that happens.”

You’re right.

We pulled in the driveway and he asked me to play baseball. I said we have to put things in the fridge and then we can. But then we got distracted cleaning fruits and vegetables and I let him cut them up. I even let him peel some carrots without constantly insisting he’s about to peel his skin off if he’s not careful. Alright, there we go! he said, and then he hopped off the chair and told me he was going out to see the chickens and after that we’d set the table.

When he was five months old, he started to go to bed at like 5:30pm. It just worked for him, as a baby. He did most of his sleeping at night and hardly napped, for a short little childhood season. one of the thousands of flashing seasons we watch them pass through. And now his sister is growing out of babyhood and even though colic and everything else made that feel so slow, of course now I already grieve it and wonder how it went so fast.

It’s rather confusing. It’s confusing and overwhelming, exciting and sad and so many things all mixed up. It’s so mixed up that we have no choice but to stop and stare for a long time sometimes.

Look at those big blue eyes and that out of control hair. Feel the shape and size of his hand because he still lets you hold it. Notice where the top of his head is, the way it still tucks easily into your belly for a hug. Because I close my eyes and I can’t bring up that five month old baby. I see a photo of him on my desk, the baby that was, and I know it’s okay that he’s there and this boy is here.

Now is everything and all those days that get lost are here in him and in my heart. It’s better at remembering what my mind cannot.

This is the 52nd installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not written in the spirit of capturing moments–like lists or sponsored posts. Then please link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in. (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

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