Just Write {52}

September 10, 2012

His hair is getting so long because he wants it that way. He’s going for a cross between an 80’s hair band and a skater dude, but he doesn’t really know that’s what he’s going for. He just wants his hair long like two of his cousins. With his brother and sister in daycare two times a week, I pick him up before Daddy picks them up. It’s just the two of us for two whole hours on Mondays and Fridays.

It’s Miles and Mommy Time. That’s what we call it, like it’s a book or a movie, all caps.

Today we went to the grocery store and he picked out his snack. Cashews from the bulk bins and a bottle of water. Well, he tried for an orange soda after he had gone to get a water but when he held it up to ask without words and I shook my head, he put it right back. Usually he says “BUT WHY?” He added a protein bar later and then after we paid he started to eat it while I packed the groceries and he looked at me sheepishly and said, “I guess I don’t like this.”

I ate it. It stuck out my mouth while I put the cans in the bottom of the bag and softer things on top the cans.

He seems more grown up when it’s just us. I get glimpses of a future, older Miles that I can’t wait to meet him while I also want to keep at bay for as long as possible so I can keep this Miles for as long as I can. Yeah kid, lay off the protein bars.

In the van on the way home he said that he saw his classmate from last year in the hall, “the one with a problem with his mind, remember Mommy? What makes his mind that way?”

That’s a really good question. I don’t think I know exactly, it’s hard to explain…

“Today we ran on the track for phy ed and I’ve never had a bloody nose before but Gavin had one a couple of days ago because the air can get too dry and that’s how that happens.”

You’re right.

We pulled in the driveway and he asked me to play baseball. I said we have to put things in the fridge and then we can. But then we got distracted cleaning fruits and vegetables and I let him cut them up. I even let him peel some carrots without constantly insisting he’s about to peel his skin off if he’s not careful. Alright, there we go! he said, and then he hopped off the chair and told me he was going out to see the chickens and after that we’d set the table.

When he was five months old, he started to go to bed at like 5:30pm. It just worked for him, as a baby. He did most of his sleeping at night and hardly napped, for a short little childhood season. one of the thousands of flashing seasons we watch them pass through. And now his sister is growing out of babyhood and even though colic and everything else made that feel so slow, of course now I already grieve it and wonder how it went so fast.

It’s rather confusing. It’s confusing and overwhelming, exciting and sad and so many things all mixed up. It’s so mixed up that we have no choice but to stop and stare for a long time sometimes.

Look at those big blue eyes and that out of control hair. Feel the shape and size of his hand because he still lets you hold it. Notice where the top of his head is, the way it still tucks easily into your belly for a hug. Because I close my eyes and I can’t bring up that five month old baby. I see a photo of him on my desk, the baby that was, and I know it’s okay that he’s there and this boy is here.

Now is everything and all those days that get lost are here in him and in my heart. It’s better at remembering what my mind cannot.

This is the 52nd installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not written in the spirit of capturing moments–like lists or sponsored posts. Then please link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in. (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?


Shelly Miller September 10, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Oh, how I love my boy. You made me want to squeeze him a bit tighter tonight. He’s a teenager and still lets me. :) All those ordinary moments your wrote about were like a mirror for me. Thank you.
Shelly Miller recently posted..When Your Soul Sighs

Elaine September 10, 2012 at 9:46 pm

oh you make me think of my sweet, oldest boy. Who has the same shirt, btw… ;) I’m glad the two of you have this time together. So precious.
Elaine recently posted..A little perspective…

Herb of Grace September 10, 2012 at 9:48 pm

My little man is five, too… It’s that age, I think, where you start to really feel just how fast the years are slipping by you– you start to grasp a little… My daughter is ten. I don’t really know what happened to the last five years. I really don’t.
Herb of Grace recently posted..Mermaid

Kazzy September 10, 2012 at 11:39 pm

This Just Write project was meant just for you!
Kazzy recently posted..heal over

Tricia September 11, 2012 at 5:47 am

Sweet, sweet, words about your boy! I love that you get special time with him a couple of times each week. How precious those moments are.
Tricia recently posted..Eleven

Amy @ Never-True Tales September 11, 2012 at 7:50 am

Made me think of my oldest, too, and his ‘growing out his hair phase’ which was clunky and unsure and so sweet as he tried to exert some independence in his appearance, what he picked out to eat, etc. And the remembering of the long ago years…it comes in waves just to wash out again.
Amy @ Never-True Tales recently posted..Writing what you know.

grace September 11, 2012 at 8:38 am

gah. beautiful, just beautiful.
the transition from baby to toddler to BOY is so fast. So so fast.
grace recently posted..a crack in the door.

Susan @learndhappiness September 11, 2012 at 8:47 am

My breath caught when you wrote about how you can’t remember him as a five month old. I have a four year old and eight month old and am struck by how much I had forgotten about having an 8 month old. I miss my oldest being that little, so very much, and so I’m trying extra hard to soak it up with the baby. To rock her guiltlessly. To let her be a baby for just a little longer than I did with no1. To not rush the milestones. Easie said than done.
Susan @learndhappiness recently posted..Gifts of Imperfection – Introduction, Week 1

Dawn @ Finding the Happy September 11, 2012 at 9:50 am

You know, I went through that with my oldest son. He still wants his hair long, and when we’re alone, he does seem older. Only now, he’s nearly 16, but I remember that curly headed blond boy when it was just him & I at home, and we’d have lunch and play in the yard, and I MISS THAT. But I’m getting my very own grown up human to have lunch with and play video games and be his confidante, and that works too. <3
Dawn @ Finding the Happy recently posted..Time is flying

Ariel September 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

Beautiful. I love your writing SO much. Isn’t it amazing how time seems to fly by faster and faster as we get older? My second child is almost one and I’ve savored his babyhood so much more than I did with his big sis. With her it was all new to me and I spent more time stressing out than living in the moment. With him it’s different because I know how fast it goes by. I’ve learned to cherish every second. Even the not-so-much-fun ones. :-)

Jennifer September 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I think watching our children grow up was harder than actually growing up ourselves.
Jennifer recently posted..The banana seat bicycle

Kathleen Basi September 11, 2012 at 2:33 pm

I love seeing my oldest “growing up.” Maybe it doesn’t hurt b/c I’ve got so many other littles behind him; maybe it’ll hurt when my now-baby starts passing through the end of all littleness. But for now I’m all a-shiver with awe and excitement to see who he’s becoming.

And my oldest, too, wants to grow his hair out…because he wants to be Anakin Skywalker for Halloween. I don’t have the heart to tell him his hair will never look like Hayden Christensen’s hair, because he has my hair. It’ll just become a wild mop. :)
Kathleen Basi recently posted..A Glimpse Beyond the Veil

Marta September 14, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Oh yes. Yes. I understand. My heart it remembers, but I can’t conjure it up. Not the feel of their baby hands in mine. Not the little feet tucked under while they laid on top of me. I can’t remember the smallness of them. I see them now. So big. And growing. Always growing and changing. But in my heart, yes somewhere in there I remember the tiny baby that kicked me from the inside.
Marta recently posted..The End of Summer.

Julia September 14, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Beautiful. I love the way you are capturing these memories here. I think it is these daily interactions that are the most memorable.
Julia recently posted..The Difference A Year Makes

Angie September 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm

This is beautiful, and here I am all a weepy mess, because my Ash-Man is 10 and at a sleepover and that spot in my belly? He’s taller than that now, and his head finds my shoulder. But those moments when it is just us? They are beautiful. Wonderful. And the bittersweet continues… but it tastes good. :)

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