Just Write {123}

February 18, 2014

Maybe he was just really tired, that’s what I kept telling myself. But he has been saying this off and on lately, with that same look in his eyes and the stubborn frustration in his little robotic tenor voice. You are always leaving! You haven’t been spending time with us!

It was right before bedtime and my heart was breaking. Really? But I’m here, honey. Almost all the time. I’m right here.

And it struck me then that he is right.

Sure, he’s just an over-tired kid and he’s got really big feelings from his really big heart and sometimes that confuses him. And you know what? I’m not going to beat myself up or make this bigger because I know I haven’t been that detached. But I also know that when there’s a travels-for-work husband and the daily grind and multiple other extra life stressors like we all have, there’s often nothing left to give. So I stick to the physical needs being met and I get them to school and I listen to the wise, more seasoned mothers in my head reminding me that this is enough. I’m doing enough.

Tears were welling up in his eyes and I know how much he needs me to just be with him. This is the tension of motherhood, believing what you’re doing in that moment in your journey is enough, while also recognizing when you’re resisting every chance to sit with them. I’m tired and so I draw away, I resist being present. I run.

So I look at him with his eyes welling up and I am heartbroken and ready to try again, because I’m free to start over and over forever.

I told him that I’ll work on it, and I know it’s not too much. All he really needs are the small moments of sitting together.

Peace washes over my propensity for guilt when I remember that nothing is all or nothing and that’s why what we do really is enough. Until it’s not, and then we have endless tries.

AsherYMCA

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This is the 123rd installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the URL of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not freely written in the spirit of capturing moments–you know, don’t link to how-to posts, lists or sponsored posts. Also, please link back to this post in yours so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.



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