I was thinking about everything, the fact that I found myself in the vice grip of alcoholism, and the fact that quitting is good and hard at the same time. I was thinking about remorse and regret and redemption. It is all so big. And then I just set it down. All the thinking, like a stone I’d been lugging around. kerplunk. There is no figuring it all out in one day, I said to me. So I played myself a song and I sat with it. Just sat with it. The next thing I knew my arms were above my head and I was dancing a bad 80’s dance right here all by myself, stomping and even spinning. I shook it and I sang louder and louder and I didn’t care about anything. It wasn’t until the song was done that I thought even one insecure thought like, This must look […]
Courage me. I say that like I’m at the bar, beer me! What is it, this courage? Maybe if it’s been given to me, I should know. But I don’t. Am I called courageous because I quit drinking? Let me be honest. I don’t feel very courageous. I feel foreign, like I’m learning the customs of a new culture. I’m swinging up here in the corner of the room, watching myself walk around in a fog, not drinking. I said that in an email to someone still stuck in her web of addiction and feeling so ashamed in comparison to those of us who have quit. I told her that I’ve only gotten as far from the middle as to dangle from my corner perch, watching myself, this strange person who can’t figure out how to be. That’s where I am, just hanging there like a spider needing her prey, wanting it, poised […]
Seven days ago, these glasses meant only one thing. Wine. Today they still mean wine. But they also simply look like really cool empty glasses.Shapes and colors. These small shifts happen, they say, with time. Sooner or later these glasses will not trigger a craving. With time. One day at a time. My feelings are shifting like wind, moment by moment some days, hour by hour other days. I’ve never been good with waiting. I like to skip ahead, pass up the hard part, let’s move along now. Stop feeling stop feeling stop feeling… That just can’t be the case this time. This is just too big. So looking at those glasses today gave me hope, the way they were so kindly showing me that they look a little like something other than wine, even though they still mean wine, for now. And strangely, yesterday’s blustery wind also came bringing me hope. It […]
Wednesday~December 23, 2009 It sounds absurd, believing in this spirit pregnancy and the coming of a Baby God to a small barn with the stench of cows. It can seem ridiculous to think that both the working poor and Very Important People alike came sandal-footed to see if it were true by starlight. It sounds absurd. I don’t believe the absurd because religion tells me to (I brush my teeth religiously and still cavities work their way through my mouth every now and again). I don’t even believe it only because the Bible tells me so (I have found a recent adoration for the Bible, but that was slow in coming, later than my belief in a stable born God coming to rewrite a story that would have had a very sad ending). I believe it because I see the aftermath of this beautiful story. These eyes to see the never-ending string of […]
Monday~October 12th, 2009 We woke up to snow this morning. A thick with heavy snow that covers the trees and has turned everything still and quiet. A soft blanket of white like out of a painting. It’s beautiful, but the early arrival of it makes no sense to my pumpkin and trick-or-treating mind. It just keeps coming down, all day long it’s been falling and acting like Christmas. The leaves on the hard-working branches need more time to deepen their colors, but they’re hidden and drooping, tired. They’re being pulled to their weakest place. When the wind picks up, they’ll let go with a relieved sigh and then fall, they’ll land gracefully despite the mystery of where they’ll come to a stop. The other day, I prayed. I wanted to know just the right answer, what is the very best thing to do that won’t mean we’re falling and landing in exactly the […]
All morning I’ve been trying to figure out how to say what I’m thinking. I didn’t know how to express it, couldn’t find my words. I kept trying and getting frustrated and shaking small people off my legs and getting frustrated. Then I would stop and do dishes or pick some stuff up or break up a fight. Then I read a couple of blogs, and what do you know? Two of my lovely friends said exactly what I was trying so hard to say…. Amber of The Run-A-Muck wrote How to build a house of prayer: look for flags of JOY and Jo of Mylestones wrote Weebles Wobble But They Don’t Fall Down Lately I’ve been ignoring my need for constant renewal. Not just rest and some peace and quiet and a break here and there, but renewal of the spiritual variety. I ignore it and then I feel up to my […]
Thursday~August 27th, 2009 I think the required training I attended was on tolerance. I was in social work at the time, so we had to fulfill a certain number of hours of training on topics regarding human relationships every year. To be honest, most of these sessions totally stunk, but I enjoyed this one. We professionals sat around the room in a semi-circle and were asked by the instructor to choose a one word description of ourselves. We were then asked to say it out loud, just that one word. The person next to me started. Then it was my turn, and because I had recently become one, I said “Mother.” The man that had started the exercise stopped the process by abruptly chiming in with, “Oh! That was a good one.” That struck me funny so I responded just as abruptly with my nervous laugh. My nervous laugh is loud. Everyone shared […]
Posted on Tuesday~March 24, 2009I was walking through this day feeling grumpy and out of sorts, wondering why the rain is giving me the blues and wishing I could see it as a sign of Spring instead of gloom. I was restless through the night last night, tossing and not sleeping. So I was focused on my lack of sleep this morning, feeling sorry for myself. I wasn’t in the mood to eat up the pure goodness that is my boys. I just didn’t have the energy. Sometimes I can’t sleep and I just know… We’re all connected. So I believe that when I feel uneasy and don’t know why, there’s something pulling at my spirit for a reason. It means I need to pray, even if I don’t know why. I need to pray for peace and comfort for someone who needs it badly, even if I don’t know who it is. […]
Posted on Monday~March 2, 2009 But Randi, what if I really don’t want to post this one? Randi at Is It Just Me? had this idea to have people use a random number generator to choose one of the drafts in their blog archive to finish and post. (I have no idea if that made sense, I’m sleep-deprived.) Anyhoo, I know I don’t HAVE to play along, but I thought it was a great idea and I said that I would do it before I really took a good look at the draft that the stupid number generator chose for me. As you’ll see, I’m struggling through thoughts in this post…and I think A LOT. (Please don’t tell me to stop thinking so much, I’ve tried that and I can’t. I’m a born ponderer.) Here goes: There are a million thoughts banging around in my head and heart. I’ve been thinking a lot […]
Posted on Wednesday~February 4, 2009Some lovely blog friends of mine have given me some accolades recently here on the world wide inter-web (as my dear Ryan likes to call it). That sentence was extremely uncomfortable for me to type. Because it sounds showy and a bit brag-ful (another hyphenated and made up word I enjoy). The words of these accolades and the sincerity behind them are a beautiful thing. So thank you to those of you that warmed my heart (you know who you are). You said the things that you’ve noticed about me that you like. Which makes me think you’re the ones that deserve the accolades. Because we all want to be heard. We all want to be seen. We all want validation. We want someone to simply notice. And you noticed and then you said so, and that makes me think you’re pretty selfless yourselves. Hopefully we don’t want to […]
Posted on Saturday~January 24, 2009 Asher and Miles both have a little blankie of sorts that they sleep with and need when they’re sad or hurt. I believe the experts call them “transitional objects.” We call them Guggies. This started because Ryan and I called Miles’ blanket a Snuggly, and when he started to talk it came out “Guggy” and it stuck. Now Asher has a Guggy too. Both of our boys are pretty much total Guggy addicts. We parents spend a lot of time making sure that these small comforts are available, searching before bedtime and car trips, throwing the Guggies in the diaper bag, making sure they’re available to be the good friends that they are if needed. The other night before bed, I walked around with Asher for a long while, looking under furniture and in piles of laundry, under toys and even in the cupboards. No Guggy. Even though […]
Posted December 24th, 2008 One of my favorite Christmas songs is by Dave Matthews. I cry pretty much every time I listen to it. In my humble opinion, it’s pure poetry. It tells the story of the life of Christ in a way that speaks something unique and focuses on how He lived to love. I love to imagine this unexpected fulfillment of love that first Christmas, breathing for the first time in the manger. His love filled the air like a scent, and moved through the people who came to touch Him. Love was all around. This song also poetically tells the story of Christ’s end on this earth. I had to listen a few times to grasp the reason for the words that were chosen. Not that I know exactly what Dave Matthews meant, we don’t hang out much. But my take on the repetitive nature of “spilled the blood of […]
FYI: This post is continued from the last post. You might be a bit confused if you haven’t read that one.I thought it would be simple to answer the question, “What do you believe?” But it’s not. And now I’ve gone and said I would answer the question, so I’ll try, even though it’s hard. I haven’t gotten into detail about my faith on the blog too much in the past, and I have my reasons for that. So this is a bit uncomfortable, or at least more uncomfortable than I thought it would be. The reason for my discomfort? Well, I ask you this: How DOES a person put into words what they believe? It would take pages and pages! Faith is so multi-layered and individual, nearly impossible to describe. And sometimes professing faith can sound so trite or cliche. So much of the language of “believers” has been repeated so many […]
People say that you shouldn’t talk about religion or politics. I’m not the best at following that unwritten rule. Well, politics…yeah, I can totally skip that. But religion? I can’t skip it. I love theological discussions. Before I went on a (short) blogcation awhile back, many of you asked some really good questions. I still haven’t answered them, but I’m finally going to start today. (I procrastinate with the best of ’em, but I usually do what I said I would do, sooner or later.) I realize I’m not that interesting and mysterious, but a lot of people have asked me one particular question, so I figure it’s time I clarified. No, it’s not “How come you’re soooo smart, Heather?” That’s not it. I don’t know why no one asks me that, but whatever. The burning question is however, “Are you Mormon?” I did sort of answer this in the comments a while […]
I’m thankful that Asher is about to get some relief. More thankful than I can say. But I’m also finally allowing myself to feel, and it’s really scary. Yesterday, the nicest lady I’ve ever talked to called and gave me careful directions so we could find our way to the right part of the hospital tomorrow. She gave me a whole lot of instructions and gently prepared me for what Asher might look like after the surgery. Then she apologized for her next question, carefully choosing her words to ask if the doctors should do all they can to save Asher should something happen to go wrong. Yes. During that call, I had the sinking feeling that hits you in the gut when you finally realize something is actually going to happen, whether it’s comfortable or not, and you don’t know if you can do it. I started to allow the anxiety to […]
My heart hurt as I watched my one-year-old struggle to get his body to do what his head was asking. I stood and watched as he slowly made his way across the room. He was crawling, then moving up on his knees, then putting one foot out in front of him in an effort to pull himself up and walk. But his weak little legs wouldn’t let him. He cried out in frustration and looked up at me, his eyes asking me to do something. I smiled at him and told him it was okay, that I knew he would walk soon enough. I see the reasons why he struggles more clearly than he does. I’ve known him since before he was here with us, growing and changing by the day. Because I know him, I know it will take some time for him to walk, and I don’t mind a bit. I […]
Over ten years ago I stood in the city dump in Quito, Ecuador baffled by the stench of garbage and completely disturbed by the fact that people lived there. My heart hurt as the dark side of life sunk in. We were an idealistic group of Americans, and as we crawled out of our van and stood loaded down with loaves of bread, we let the children run to us, their dirty faces smiling. Radiant smiles. Pure joy, confidence, contentment, shone from their faces like headlights angled up a bit too much, blinding with bright. I was the deer in those headlights, dumbfounded and confused, unable to move for fear I might miss something, a clue as to why this awful place held so much happiness. That’s when I began to realize I was the one there to learn something. The aching need I thought would be expressed in those faces wasn’t there […]
Miles walked up to me this morning and said, “you’re the best mommy in the whole wide world.” Right now, that simply isn’t true. But I’m so unbelievably thankful that he still thinks so. Even though I’ve been too tired and sad to play cars almost every time he asks. Even though he gets in trouble because of my impatience more than he should. Even though I put him to bed in the shirt he wore all day last night, and forgot to have him brush his teeth. Even though I cried through the boys’ bath the other night and couldn’t stop, scaring them and bringing Miles to ask, “When is Daddy coming home?” Even though… Isn’t it amazing, how children have this vast propensity to forgive, quickly and without shaming you or judging your mistakes? I’m not being negative or hard on myself when I say I truly don’t deserve it. Not […]
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. Okay, not a “bit” of a funk, but a full-blown funk. I’m struggling with moods that aren’t pretty. I’ve been allowing the negative thoughts that pop up throughout the day to win out. One of the emotions that I so easily fall back on is anger. It’s triggered easily for me. Sadness and confusion, they turn to anger. Fatigue and frustration, they turn to anger. I’m quick to snap at my kids and if my husband were here I’d snap at him too. The irony of my feeling this way right now is that two posts of mine about anger are on two different sites today. God certainly has an excellent sense of humor. And impeccable perfect timing. One of these posts is all about allowing anger and then doing something healthy with it. I cannot tell you how much I needed to be […]
I hit the pillow last night with a whole lot of shame and frustration. I don’t know what it is about Tuesdays. When Ryan is out of town for work, Tuesdays just totally stink. I think it has something to do with it being only the second solo parenting day and feeling like it’s more like the fifth. Then I’m hard on myself. I can’t figure out how I could be so impatient and crabby, barking at my boys every thirty seconds. When it’s only Tuesday. Long story short, I didn’t handle things very well. I was just one big ball of uptight tension and negativity. So I woke up (still exhausted and much too early) this morning and I looked up and thought something toward God, “I can’t do this alone. I stink at alone.” Not even the slightest moment passed and I was flooded with a fullness of knowing, “You’re never […]
Yesterday I had lunch with a friend. We met at noon and it was almost 3:00pm before we knew it. We laughed and joked and wavered between silly stories and serious heart to hearts. This is a new friendship, but meeting this new friend has been an immediate blessing to my life. We can talk like we’ve known each other for a very long time. I absolutely love that. We got into a conversation about the stress and strain of life. How it never seems to get easier. My friend admitted feeling angry about that. Confused. Frustrated. Wanting more answers. I felt like what she was asking me was, “where is God?” Because even if you’re a person who looks on the bright side, in awe of the good things in life, there is still that question that arises when things are hard. Or when it seems the “Big Guy Upstairs” has gone […]
When Miles was born we planted a new little tree in our front yard. That little tree has been so resilient. It takes a lot for a new tree to make it here in Minnesota. If it’s not winter, covering the earth with ice and snow, it’s not raining enough. So new little trees need a whole lot of love and attention to survive. This particular tree did not receive it’s much needed love and attention however. And yet, there it is, sprouting new leaves each spring, bright with green. I often look at it and wonder how it’s pulling off growing up. Because of it’s resiliency, that little “Miles Tree,” planted in honor of birth, didn’t give up to the curse of the crazy dog and her chain. Last summer our dog, Tia would occasionally be hooked up out front rather than in our fenced backyard. Mostly because Ryan would be in […]
I don’t watch the news or read the paper. I don’t because first of all, I’m lazy like that. And secondly, I just can’t handle all the bad news. I figure if there’s really something I need to know, Ryan will tell me. Sometimes he fills me in on the most appalling stories and then I want to kick him. But I don’t. That wouldn’t be very patient and kind. And I am always 100% patient and kind, just ask him. Anyway, just because I don’t watch the news or read the paper doesn’t mean I can escape the sad stories of this life. I love reading blogs. Even blogs about really sad times in people’s lives. When I feel a strong sense of empathy or sympathy, or simply some of the pain over someone’s situation, it actually makes me feel good in the end. Because I do believe that we really can […]
Heather,Remember what you learned on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at Park Ave. On a regular basis pray with your kids for God to show them a person who needs help, or a way they can serve/assist/love someone in that very day. When they are young that can mean putting it in their terms, like “God, how can I be a superhero today? Give me someone to help and I will help You by helping them.” Then look out! Cause He’ll do it! And it’ll be so much fun to watch! I was wishing that you could have prayed this before we helped a lost dog find it’s way home to a much relieved family the other day. Remember? When you told Miles he had acted like a true superhero saving the day. Now I know that in the future we’d be able to say, “LOOK, God gave us a job just like we […]
“He longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion.” – Isaiah 30:18 I have to admit that the true meaning of things is sometimes lost on me in the repetition of it all. I used to feel guilty about that. I would stand in church on Easter Sunday wondering why I didn’t really FEEL all that much. I’ve heard the story so many times. Usually what I got out of this story wasn’t enough. I didn’t truly know how it applied to me in a very tangible way. I understood the whole dying on the cross thing, and believed it too. But recently I heard something that changed my apathetic mindset.Beth Moore said something like this, and I definitely paraphrase:It can be easy to ask questions about the Crucifixion. You can understand that it was a horrible death, but there’s a part of you that’s still saying, in a […]
I remember having a bit of a “quarter-life crisis” in my mid-twenties. I thought life would look so different than it did when I got there. When I was a teenager, I imagined I would have three kids by the time I was the ripe old age of 25! But when 25 actually arrived, there was another part of me that couldn’t believe I ever thought that way, since I still felt 18. And in so many ways I still wanted to be 18 and therefore acted like I was 18. I’ve always had trouble moving on to the next phase of things. I get comfortable or lazy or something. I think that’s pretty typical of my generation. I know for sure it’s typical of me. Now I suddenly find myself nearing 33. It isn’t as shocking anymore, getting older. Because once I hit 30, I just stayed there. Time froze and I […]
On Friday morning some friends and I brought our kids to the Eagle’s Nest, which is THE BOMB of a place for little ones. There’s all kinds of climbing and sliding and running to do. In the past, Miles has stayed in the 0-3 year old side for the most part. But this time, he and favorite pal, Olivia ventured to the “big kid” side where there are those McDonald’s play land kind of pipe things to crawl through, with fire trucks and bulldozers just their size attached. Mackenzie and I were watching from below, trying desperately to see where our two little monkeys were, catching a glimpse of them here and there, and breathing little sighs of relief. They would come flying down the slide bouncing and grinning, then they’d burst off the end and continue high-speed, back to the stairs to climb up and do it again. They slowly warmed up […]
“WHO needs SLEEP? NOT ME!” I am someone who believes in the power of prayer. So why don’t I pray more? I ask myself this a whole lot. I’ll be wracked with worries, overwhelmed with everyday life, consumed with anxiety about the smallest and the biggest things, and yet I will forget to pray. I understand a few reasons why I’m not all that prayerful. First of all, I never really have been. I don’t have the “practice.” Secondly, my mind wanders no matter what the heck I’m doing, so talking to Someone who doesn’t audibly respond and keep eye contact with me is quite difficult. Also, I struggle with unbelief enough to tread lightly with my requests. What I mean by that is that I see God working around me all the time, but for some reason I think His power doesn’t apply to my “stuff.” Whenever I ask Him for help, […]
Ambitious readers. Ambitious people impress me. You know the ones. They work really hard, night and day, being productive and attaining their goals. They rarely sleep, they exercise daily, they eat right and still find time to have a successful career that took ambition to attain. I have to admit that I am not one of the ambitious ones. Never have been. I can name some things I am ambitious about though (just for fun). Food. Relaxing. Socializing. Cleaning. Sleeping. My family. My friends.As for things I have excelled at? Well, let’s see. In school I did just what I had to do to do “well.” I didn’t have a desire for college and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. When I did get “real” jobs I pretty much just coasted through the days. I did a good job, but never an over-the-top-excellent type of job.Here’s […]
Miles – 2.5 years Asher – 4.5 months Psalm 127:3 says “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.” I have often thought about how God has given me such a great gift in my children. It makes me think about how much He must love us, to give us these little miracle people. I tell Ryan I can’t wrap my mind around this: me + him = new person with part me and part him. Twice. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
