I’m sitting in the space between knowing and not knowing. I don’t know what else to do besides pray and wait and write it out. I don’t know why I generally feel the need to write it all out publicly. I really don’t. I’ve given up being all that concerned about why I do because when I check myself, I don’t feel needy or dramatic or any of the other forms of the self-seeking I’m fighting. When something is going on in my head and heart, I have a terribly hard time not talking about it. I don’t have that ability to hold back and hold close like many people do. I can’t see through my thoughts and feelings to small talk or fodder. I just can’t. Maybe I trust too easily or fear too little or maybe I fear too much so I just want to let the words out in a […]
Dr. P. has enormous hands. When we met him about two years ago and knew he would be doing Asher’s brain shunt surgery, Ryan joked, How is he going to manage surgery on such a small head with those sausage fingers? I watched those same hands I’ve come to know (and maybe even love) as they circled Asher’s head at his check-up on Thursday. He knows what he’s doing. He knows what he’s looking for. He runs his pointer finger and thumb along the valve (shunt) on the right side of The Noggin and he pushes a little to feel for something I don’t understand. I was right next to this big man and my boy and I was vacantly watching because the fear I have as Asher’s mom always rears its feisty head in the children’s hospital. I float through it all while we’re there, holding more tightly to that small hand […]
It feels too flowery to say he’s my sunbeam.But he just is, this boy. He was very very sad and scared a couple of nights ago.I took he and his brudder to the firehouseand there were so many peoplein crowds waiting to check out the enginesand lines for the bounce house,some people sitting and some standingand in just a flashhe was gone. We looked up and aroundand back and forthand I felt the panic. The longest minutes went bywhere I thought the thoughtsthat kill a mom’s insidesand thenthere he was.His face was crumpledand his tearswere so bigand he thought I left him. I ran for himas he held a stranger’s handand it seemed like a really reallylong timesince I’d seen him last. And it felt too flowery too say it to himbut I said those things you say right then,I’d never ever leave youI love you so muchI don’t know what I’d do […]
I love October. You should see how it waddles when he walks. It’s the absolute most hilarious and adorable thing you’ve ever seen. And he wiggles it on purpose and calls it his chubby butt. October brings that feeling with it, you know? Like things are about to get hard before they get better. Like you’re dressing up for something you don’t want to wait for and you don’t want to recognize that it might be cold and tiring when you try to live it out. And it’s exciting and depressing at the same time and it leaves me in the throes of fighting the funk and I am. I was a stay at home mom who blogged as a hobby before. And now I’ve somehow become a writer and I feel like I’m embarking on winter, a season to hibernate and rest but there’s no time for that. A book proposal won’t […]
I’m pretty sure that one of the strangest experiences a mother can have is to spend some nights in a hotel room alone. Strange and good and surreal and lonely and wonderful. That’s how it is for me anyway, especially since I’m traveling so much lately. I sat here last night in the silence, in Asheville, North Carolina and felt all of these opposite clashing emotions and of course they were, each of these feelings, tinged with a hint of guilt. Guilt is always the glitter on a mother’s art project, it seems. (Unless we work really hard at not feeling guilty, but that’s pretty difficult to do when we’re already exhausted.) (Amen?) (AMEN.) I’m convinced that one thing we mothers have got to try is living more and thinking less. Recently I heard it said that if you want to change how you think you have to live yourself there. It sounds […]
Miles had a paintbrush but no paint, and he painted anyway. He moved that little hand back and forth and back and forth, imagining blue for his playhouse. He was the only one that knew exactly how it was turning out. He had the whole big picture up in his adorable noggin. He always does. He sees it all, that boy of mine. He was working very hard. I watched him while his brother watched him and it was such a perfect fall day and I can’t believe they’re mine. There are things a mom just can’t describe. These feelings we have for them, they are just too personally rich, too much at the center of us to be pulled out. Maybe that’s good. We honor the intimacy of family that way, even while we touch on universal truths and nod our heads in recognition. I hope one day my boys read my […]
It seems like they were just babies. Now they’re building a play house in the backyard and I don’t know how that can be. They are exactly who they are for exact reasons. One hides often and the other throws things a lot. They balance each other out and are just exactly perfect exactly how they are. They are good friends, our boys. Every mother wants her children to stay friends for their lifetimes. I’m no exception. I hope they will always put their heads together to find answers and stand up for each other. We all need someone who is always on our side. There are so many exciting things happening for us these days. Our family is in an entirely different place than we were even one year ago. And even with all the changes and so much on our family platter, Ryan and I can still so often be heard […]
Asher is napping and Miles is coloring.The dog is snoring on the couch behind meand there’s a fly sitting on the bottomof the computer screen.It’s been sitting there for minutes and minutes,like it’s not sure what to dolike me. Oh and there he isso now I know.Asher, calling out The words on the pagewill have to waitlike the fly. The view from here pullsand so I go to them.No nap for Asher todayand this is how it is. I do what I can when I can,I write words or sometimes I don’t,because there’s no predictingor planning, really. And it’s very very good,the view from here. ~~~~~ Comments are closed on this post. I think they’re broken anyway.Thank you for visiting me. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
We painted. For hours. It was our anniversary and the two short dudes were staying with Nanny and Bapa. Painting may not sound like a very nice way to spend a day celebrating six years of perfect wedded bliss, but there we were. (Actuallly, we like to work on house projects together when without the kiddos. We talk, we boss each other around, we take our time.) Anyway. We were painting the kitchen and taking turns observing out loud how annoying it was that the paint didn’t seem to want to be on the wall. Or maybe, it was the previous coat of paint that was trying to shirk off the new and better, brighter color. We rolled and rolled and brushed and brushed and the paint put up its fight, acting all see-through no matter what amount of paint was being slathered over it. Of course, this was an analogy to me. […]
My Miles, “helping” Daddy build a shed. When my boys came home yesterday, Miles was the first one to bust through the door with a bang. He was talking fast about a park, a place he had played with his cousins on their trip. It seemed very urgent, what he had to say, while he held his hand behind his back. His sun-kissed cheeks were just a shade darker than three days before and I felt like I’d missed so much. It was so good for all of us, this short time apart, but then there he was, somehow suddenly older, maybe even taller, and just so perfect. When he pulled that hand out from behind his back he was saying he found something at that park and then he saved it for me. Here you go, Mama. It’s a small yellow hair binder, one that must have belonged to a busy little […]
So I disappear for a while and then I come back with a random post, waxing philosophical on crying strangers. Am weird. Then so many of you were kind enough to say something along the lines of Um…okay, Heather…but how are YOU? I’m well{ish} I’m trying to make friends with the middle. And by that I mean that I struggle to be okay with not being perfect while I also mostly just want to cave to being the opposite of perfect. For example, I feel so much more peace these days about all things motherhood. I used to ruminate and worry much more than I do with sobriety in my pocket, and it’s strange new territory. Because as an addict (and a human being) I have this all or nothing tendency. So. That whole peace thing is bordering on laziness. Believe me. I know. I live here. Yesterday I did more nothing than […]
Summer is chasing into Fall like its catalyst is a hurricane. And I’m off to the races right alongside it, leaving behind my peace these days.I’ve got to sign off for a while to try to grab a hold of some semblance of order, a connection with my boys, a plan for schooling I’ve yet to find, for writing, answering, listening, for the preparing for the speaking, and for embracing the days. I’m the kind of person that feels a heavy ache over disorder. The state of my home is the state of my head and heart and I’ve been thrown off, tired, in a funk. Sometimes I just need a break from the beautiful and overly engaging worldwide web. But you knew this…we all do. Take care of you, friends. I’ll see you soon. COMMENTS ARE CLOSED. I still really like you though. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in […]
On Friday morning at BlogHer there was a 5K through Central Park, honoring Tanner of Tutus for Tanner. Tanner himself saw us off from the hotel lobby, and then as you can see, we sprinted the entire way. I am so in love with this picture. It is friendship and connection and it is spreading the word for a good cause. I have my hand on Allison, my fellow Minnesotan blog friend. She is one of the kindest people I’ve ever had the honor to know, so I’m really glad my hand is on her. Hopefully her goodness wore off, adhering itself to my palm a bit. ~~~~~ For the rest of this week through next Wednesday my family (extended and immediate) has the use of a cabin on a lake. We’ve already been making use of it this week. I have to show you some of the photos from out there because […]
Sometimes Mother Guilt is about more than the junk food our kids eat or how much TV they watch. I have a friend who has a boy who has something. There’s something wrong. My friend is looking at herself and asking questions. What could I have done differently? Maybe it’s because I did this? Maybe it’s because I didn’t do that? Was it the shots? Is it his diet? Maybe I shouldn’t have sent him to kindergarten yet….maybe all that stress triggered this, this new person he’s becoming…. His behavior is obviously changing, moving him higher on The Spectrum. And his mom sits terrified, waiting for what he’ll do next, and what the assessors will say after her firstborn boy is evaluated and scrutinized and labeled. She is exhausted with three kids, listening to his high-pitched screeching sounds all day every day after very little sleep. This is new, he didn’t make this […]
balanceshoulddisciplineandmoist I am not the biggest fan of these words. All of them are elusive (a word I do like). Well, okay, maybe not moist, that’s not elusive…it’s just icky. I’ve written about how I feel about balance many times, about how unattainable it is. If I’m going to mother, I’m going to have an UNbalanced life, that’s the reality. And either I can accept that, or get swallowed in the anger and tension of trying to fight for a balance that remains out of reach no matter how DISCIPLINED I am. I’m getting a tiny bit better at this acceptance thing, but man, some days I just want to scream at should and discipline and balance. Like a mad woman-just screaming until my furrowed forehead and wide open mouth get stuck in their angry wrinkle-inducing expressions. Maybe that’s what I should do, just discipline myself to let it all out, going off […]
I had to shut the door, while they stood there crying and screaming for me, I said “Go get a hug from Daddy. I can’t. I need a minute.” It has been so loud and so whiny all morning and I’m tired. They are fighting and fussing and then one of them is screaming and I need a buffer. The door is my buffer. And now I feel trapped while my heart hurts. It’s quieter, but not in my head. These boys of mine are so good. They are good to their core, not just in the way they act. I am beyond surprised at their temperaments, the way they sit perfectly still for haircuts and almost always respond positively to my directions. They are good sleepers, they don’t fuss much over food, and they stop to ask permission if they aren’t sure if what they’re about to do is allowed. They are […]
On day one, you taught me that having a c-section didn’t make me a failurebecause I had you. On day 2 I studied all your sleeping faces, all day longand I loved even the frumpy grumpy onesand you still make themand somehow, I love them even more In your first monthsyou showed me what peace looks likeand how it would feel when you’re sickalways like I’m sick, but worse You’ve always shown mejoypure joyin the smallest things In your first few years, I learned that so much of what I know and believe is because of you.You are five years of love and light, struggle and growth and absolutely nothing I would trade.Because of you I know what an old soul in a small body can bring to this life, and I know that I will always always love and accept you…no.matter.what. And I know that I say be careful too often, but […]
A day at the water park, cooling off in the water and soaking up the sun? Summer bliss in my book. (And this place is a mere three blocks from our house-I love that.) I’m pretty sure these water park days will be ear-marked in the memory books of my boys, too. Asher, Miles and strong friend, E Oh My Serious Fun. I love to watch them play in the water, rush down the slide, water drops dripping from their noses. I love the way water keeps their minds busy for hours, while I sit and take it all in. But this last time, what I loved the most was the way Asher snuggled into me after getting hurt, wrapped in a towel and fell fast asleep. It’s been a really long time since I snuggled a sleeping boy baby, rocking back and forth and nuzzling blond hair. (They are just growing far […]
So often I expect perfection from myself in motherhood, at least somewhere in the back of my mind I do. I’m on a hamster wheel to nowhere when I do that. I’m pulling the wheel under and over me and back around again with thoughts of perfect meals and a perfect education and perfect faith and a perfect home. Those thoughts are slowing these days, I’m sooooo grateful for that. Last night Miles rode his small blue bike while I jog/walked next to him and he said it would be a really good day if we could spend it that way, all day. He was riding along and thinking he was having the best time of his life and he wanted it to go on and on like a hamster wheel. That’s all he wanted, just a little adventure on a little bike, with me. He’s right, ya know. Keeping it simple is […]
You know that rumbly sound of slurping the last of your drink through a straw?I can’t decide if I love or hate that sound.Maybe I should decide to like it because it’s a satisfying sound of finishing, being sure to get every last drop of something tasty. And maybe I should hate it because it’s a belchy kind of irritating satisfying sound. I feel this way about sobriety. Some days I’m absolutely in love with its satisfaction, and other days (ahem, yesterday) I hate the itchy irritation of it. When I was drinking I was trying to take the edge off. What I’m learning is that it wasn’t working, not at all. My edges are more rounded now than when I was pouring glass after glass night after night. I’m softer and lighter and different. The thing is, sober or not, alcoholic or not, life is covered in itchy irritation. So when I’m […]
He says, wash mine hands, Mama. So I hoist his nearly three year old booty up to my stomach and we lean in over the sink. The water is shivery cold and so we hurry and he starts to force exaggerated shaking and teeth chattering, dramatizing as he has a tendency to do. I grab the towel from the oven handle and we wipe wipe wipe together until I can’t help anymore because he’s got both of his little arms wrapped tightly around one of mine, one of his little legs following suit as he lifts it up off the floor to try to add it to the arm hug party. A chubby cheek presses the side of my wrist and he makes sounds that say he’s warming up with my arm’s willing assistance. Which is good because the other arm is busy reaching for coffee. My heart is filled with the goodness […]
“I didn’t want to get well, because if I got well, nobody would come and save me anymore. And I didn’t want to get well, because while I could not control my happiness, I could control my misery, and I would rather have had control than live in the tension of what if.” –Donald Miller in A Million Miles in a Thousand Years(This post is brought to you by the fact that I finished this book last night and my mind is reeling with good thoughts to think. Thank you (again), Donald Miller.) _______________ We need breath-taking stories in our lives. We’re made for these stories, and too often we don’t choose them. We don’t write the book or apply for the job or propose or adopt that child or take that trip or dance because we’re scared. And then we stay just where we are and wonder why life is boring and […]
There is so much fun to be had in a cabinet.You can even pretend you’re a really meantrapped and angry bear But then you might start thinkingAm I really trapped in here?I’m actually just a person I might want to get out sometimetaptaptap…helpHI-YAH! Oh my…one of the terrible bearshas escaped! And the other bear is…astonished!Brother Bear, I shall FREE YOU!!! AAATTTAAAACK HER!!!!I love being attacked. It is a privilege and an honor and a joy to call these two bears mine… Happy Mother’s Day, friends! Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
It’s Wednesday and it’s 9pm and the last of my two restless children has given into sleep. Finally. Ryan is out of town for work, so friends, the days are very long and let me just say that I’m…well, exhausted. Already. And it’s Wednesday. Half-way. If you are a single parent, I honestly want to kiss your face right now and tell you what a freaking rock star you are. Just saying. I’m sitting here with my feet up and my computer on my lap and Idol Gives Back on the TV. I haven’t watched Idol even one time this season, but I’m always intrigued and softened and reminded by Idol Gives Back, and so I watch.I was thinking back on today and when I tried to think about the morning I absolutely could not believe that I was thinking back on the same day I’m living right now. The morning was such […]
Dear Fellow Mommyblogger,That title up there? Is that okay with you? Because it’s true. You know the Mary Kay lady stereotype well, right? The one a dear friend of mine deals with every day, since she’s a Mary Kay lady?Still makin’ people pretty? Do you drive a pink Cadillac? *wink wink* All the questions asked of her are tinged with that patronizing tone of humor, as if she’s pretending at something. As if she’s doing something cute and silly most likely because she can’t do anything else. My friend’s car is not pink but it did come from Mary Kay. She’s a total Mary Kay sell out. She doesn’t apologize for it, she loves it. She loves her job and the women she’s come to know because of it. She happens to care about moisturizing and color-matching and protecting skin from the sun. She happens to care about helping women feel just a […]
He is not a kid on a table or a boy looking up at his Mommy for a hug.He is Snoopy and he’s on his dog house and he can’t wait to fly a plane with a cape.He is pawing at Charlie Brown, begging for a treat.I’m Charlie Brown. This is fitting because I have a really hard time figuring out how to grow up.I trust Lucy over and over and end up flat on my back while she laughs. I have the imagination of a child and sometimes, when I should sit up and learn something,it’s like my teacher is going ‘wa wa wa wa wa waaaa.’My brain is too busy to take these lessons to heart. I’m always thinking, just like that boy of mine, never taking things at face value,always digging deeper. And at the end of the day, we’re both terribly exhausted, the world finally dimming down, hiding at […]
“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand-in-hand.”{Emily Kimbrough} Motherhood has shown me how little I know about much of anything. It started right away. I thought I would know exactly what to do {pffft}, but I second-guessed everything. So much of the time, this unknowledge loomed over me, past and present and future. I knew instantly that I desperately wanted control of everything and I had control of nothing. It was terrifying. To fiercely want to protect while feeling so helpless. Sometimes it feels like all I’ve done since we had our boys is stand in one place trying to figure things out. Thinking about how to do right by them or fix this or that while all the clashing thoughts bounce around my head and heart. Most often, by the time I work through the mess and come up the best possible response, […]
I am trying to get something written. I’m down to the last minute and it needs to get done. So while the red potatoes are sizzling in the oil on the stove, I’m pecking away at the keyboard. Miles and Asher are cats and they are meowing and softly clawing at my ankles. They are kitties who need petting and cooing or the climbing up and nudging and poking and pulling will start. Ryan is calling from the living room asking, are both of us taking Asher to his appointment? and what’s the plan for Miles? I answer half and fluster {meow meow} and so I tell him we have to talk about it later. Then I’m hopping up and over the kitties to not burn the potatoes. I stir and then I’m throwing things in a bag and hugging and kissing and giving directions and running out the door. Later, I get […]
The posts that write themselves, in a flourish of creativity where fingers pound the keyboard like they have a mind of their own, are the best. I’m often confident about them in a way that escapes me most of the time. On the other hand, if I’m driving or taking a shower or making lunch for my boys and an idea strikes me, it rattles around in my mind and heart for too long. So when I sit down to reign it in, I’m lost, often pulling thoughts from a hundred light bulb moments that don’t add up. I’m editing and editing and second-guessing and insecure. I work and work here and there, and still feel I come up short. There needs to be a freedom in this, a gut level honesty of the moment, a kind of escape. That’s when the words reach out to other hearts and shake hands in agreement. […]
Ellie said something recently about addiction and motherhood that I’d like to share because it helped me so much:“I look at it this way, now: I didn’t know how to love that fiercely. It made me so afraid … afraid I would screw it up, afraid something would happen to them, afraid I could never measure up enough for these two beautiful souls. And for so long, what did I do when I was afraid? I drank. So I was hiding from the fear. I heard, over and over, when I was first getting sober: How could you do that? Don’t you love your kids enough to NOT do that? The answer was that I loved them so much I didn’t know what to do. I thought, perversely, I was doing them a favor by erasing myself from the picture a little at a time. Only in sobriety can I accept myself and […]
