freedom is free

I’m watching her discover her hand. She’s doing what babies do, she’s trying so hard to keep it in focus.

I don’t know what that is or who it belongs to but I want it.

Her little fist is clenched so tight and her eyes have the intensity behind them that shouts something like awe mingled with frustration.

Her whole body shakes with need. She seems to be willing that hand of hers to do something it just will not do. Maybe she wants it to open. Let go. That thumb of hers has been driving her crazy for weeks the way it hides itself between pointer and index, like she’s playing the old trick,

I’ve got your nose!

She has never taken a pacifier and she wants her thumb but she just can’t seem to free it. I’m looking at her and I’m thinking me too because as much as I want to let go, I can’t. I don’t. I strain and go rigid with the intensity of wishing there were something I could do about any of it at all.

All the things I can’t control.

I want her to just relax, you know. Free. But there she is, fist tight, sucking hard at it, looking for that hidden thumb while hiding it from herself. Getting nowhere.

Me too.

Every time I let go I finally get exactly what I need, even if I didn’t know what I really wanted. And when I watch her I wonder if this is exactly how I’m watched over and I suddenly know that when I hold on, like I did with my drinking, a hand is reaching out to help me, just like I do with her. I talk to her softly and I tell her you have to open it like this and let your tiny little thumb out and I even gently open it and put it in her mouth. She starts to get it, but only for a second and then she balls up that fist again, tight.

I don’t get mad at her. I just watch and wait to celebrate with her when she’s ready.

:::::

P.S. Thank you for your well wishes and prayers for our getting well. The Mastitis is soooo much better since starting antibiotics. What a relief. I mean. REALLY. What a relief.  And the sickness that was here seems to have left the building as well. GO TEAM!

P.P.S. I just have to say this. I have to say it really big. I AM SO IN LOVE WITH JUST WRITE. I see this beautiful thing happening in which not only do I get to feel like I lived your moments with you…but I see you learning from them, from yourself. I see you writing freely until you’ve figured out what you think or feel or simply until you see the meaning in a small moment and…just wow. WOW. Free writing your experiences does this thing like freeing a thumb, you know? Okay. You get it. I’ll stop.

Peace out.