Maybe he was just really tired, that’s what I kept telling myself. But he has been saying this off and on lately, with that same look in his eyes and the stubborn frustration in his little robotic tenor voice. You are always leaving! You haven’t been spending time with us!
It was right before bedtime and my heart was breaking. Really? But I’m here, honey. Almost all the time. I’m right here.
And it struck me then that he is right.
Sure, he’s just an over-tired kid and he’s got really big feelings from his really big heart and sometimes that confuses him. And you know what? I’m not going to beat myself up or make this bigger because I know I haven’t been that detached. But I also know that when there’s a travels-for-work husband and the daily grind and multiple other extra life stressors like we all have, there’s often nothing left to give. So I stick to the physical needs being met and I get them to school and I listen to the wise, more seasoned mothers in my head reminding me that this is enough. I’m doing enough.
Tears were welling up in his eyes and I know how much he needs me to just be with him. This is the tension of motherhood, believing what you’re doing in that moment in your journey is enough, while also recognizing when you’re resisting every chance to sit with them. I’m tired and so I draw away, I resist being present. I run.
So I look at him with his eyes welling up and I am heartbroken and ready to try again, because I’m free to start over and over forever.
I told him that I’ll work on it, and I know it’s not too much. All he really needs are the small moments of sitting together.
Peace washes over my propensity for guilt when I remember that nothing is all or nothing and that’s why what we do really is enough. Until it’s not, and then we have endless tries.
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This is the 123rd installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the URL of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not freely written in the spirit of capturing moments–you know, don’t link to how-to posts, lists or sponsored posts. Also, please link back to this post in yours so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.
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I feel like this about myself. That I’m never really here, just going through the motions. I’m glad we get multiple tries.
Jennifer recently posted..Snapped
This was just lovely, Heather. My son is this way too–he needs time just to be with me. I’m not very good at the “just to be” part of life. It’s good to be reminded that it’s not all or nothing.
Cheryl at Busy Since Birth recently posted..Untitled
This is the beauty of life…turning once again toward the people we love. Small steps back to slowing down. And doing it again and again.
Amy Jung recently posted..Winter Provision
My girlfriend calls these kids “crystal” kids. They are a special breed of kids that came to planet earth to keep us real. She has one. They need a little layer more. She’s grateful, I think, because she has a propensity toward BUSY just like you might like to take a drink. That desire to check out. We all have our coping strategies. Mine is control. I want to over control things.
So these Crystal Kids come along and ask for “more” and melt our mommy hearts. Because the mommy in me won’t say no. She will read, or cuddle or … stop. I will stop controlling for my kids in a way that I won’t stop for anyone else. That is why these kids help the world to shine more brightly.
I don’t know what I believe about Crystal Kids. But I like borrowing that belief from time to time because it helps me to step into that frame of mind and totally surrender to the idea that my kiddo came with a plan. And I am simply surrendering to the angels when my kid says, “I need you.” And reading a little more or hugging a little more – as in 30 seconds…it’s a good thing for me. It helps me.
AND.
The angels know that I’m pretty much doing the best I can with what I’ve got. So they stretch me slowly. :)
rebecca@altaredspaces.com recently posted..this day I daily wed
Yes. I just wrote about the same thing before I clicked over to join in this week. It is hard to be present. But I’m working on it.
Sarah recently posted..Digging
I love this linkup idea! Free writing is what I do- I’m a freelance writer and blogger, and the majority of my content is really written freely- when the time is right and I’m inspired. I can’t wait to read these lovely posts. Following you on facebook and twitter!
Sandra
http://www.notesfromtheslife.com
Sandra recently posted..Sochi Olympics: the problem with figure skating
This is both a gut punch and a beautiful post. Because it’s true. And because we do get the chance to start over and over (and over). Thank goodness.
Barb recently posted..I want to go
This was such an important read for me right now. I’m trying to balance late pregnancy with a blossoming toddler with the desires to get the house ready for the upcoming changes, and there just isn’t enough time or energy to go around. But there’s always tomorrow, there’s always a chance to do things differently or focus on what I find important in that moment, and I can and need to always find time to just be with my boy. He needs me, and that matters more to him than any of those other things on my list.
Thank you so much for the reminder. And good luck to you in your single parenthood period. Having a traveling spouse when you’re used to the support can be so tough!
Christina @ The Murrayed Life recently posted..7/52 & 21 Months
Oh, how I relate to this. What our minds tell us and what our hearts do (in the form of our children) can be two different things. It’s maddening when I’ve been spread so thin that I couldn’t possibly go any further is the exact moment when they tell us we’re not doing enough. You’ve got the right perspective of having many beginnings. I need to adopt that view.
Andrea recently posted..Math Whiz
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