Just Write {192}

August 25, 2015

muddy

They had a bath. It rained hard, and then it stopped. I thought they were riding bike. There were very big puddles all over the place. They found the biggest and the muddiest and the result was a lot of fun, and some memories made, and an upset Mama.

I don’t want them to remember that part.

By the time I took the picture, I had started to laugh, but it was a little late. I asked them to make the face of what they thought I was feeling.

oops.

I told my friend that sometimes I wish I could just shut off that getting upset part of myself. That I want to feel light and free most of the time, instead of stressed and not-free. I’ve realized my tension is deep. No, it doesn’t help that there has been a lot of stress, with medical things, etc…but it’s also that it’s just me. I’ve gotten an up close and personal look at my anxiety and I have no idea how I did not see how big it was, before. I got used to it, in the same way that you get used to anything uncomfortable. A rock in the shoe. A terrible noise off in the distance. Exhaustion.

We are adaptable creatures and sometimes we wake up to realize we have adapted in the wrong direction.

School starts next Tuesday. We have loved summer. The kids have had a great time, with friends and swimming and being with babysitters they have come to love. Summer’s end is always a little sad, especially when these kids grow so much and then put on their first day of school clothes and stand there so big.

But new starts help change the direction. Take off the shoe, let the rock slip out. Walk away from the noise. Rest. Please, let’s begin again.

:::::

This is the return of Just Write, a free-writing exercise in which you sit down with no writing agenda, no pushing for a theme. Watch the details of your stories ignite their own meaning from within:

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterPin it on PinterestShare via emailSubmit to StumbleUpon

{ 1 comment }

Just Write {191}

August 18, 2015

Of all things, a dead spider was in her hair. Had she known, there may have been quite a scene while we dropped off her registration paperwork for preschool.

Elsie Jane is four and she is going to preschool. The third of the offspring is starting full-time preschool. Or, mostly full, since she has Fridays off.

Should we not all have Fridays off?

I stopped her in the entryway of the church and asked her to stand still. She has very fine, very thick hair. It took a while to get the dead spider out, and all the while I was thinking, HOW did it get in here like this? When? In bed? Ugh…gross…DON’T THINK ABOUT IT.

I threw the spider down (sorry, church entry!) and we walked through the double doors and to the office without a mention of what it was. I changed the subject, reminding her how often she’s been to that church. She smiled but I could see it was hard for her because she had just been crying, saying she doesn’t want to start preschool without her brothers.

Isn’t it something how siblings fight and drive each other absolutely crazy but need each other?

It is a temptation to constantly talk to them about how they are doing with the divorce. To ask them questions and carefully provide them with information that’s at a level they understand. It’s a balance, learning when to be quiet and when to work on keeping an open dialogue about hard things, and good things. There is so much that is not theirs to carry, and I work very hard at pulling those things out, carefully and slowly, from the intertwining fine threads that make up our new kind of family.

Later, at bedtime, Asher was very sad because Miles knew something he did not about friends of theirs. One friend had told Miles a secret and asked him not to tell anyone. He was sticking to that and the curiosity and feeling of being left out was devastating to his brother. They are like one, in so many ways, and this tearing apart as they grow is heart-wrenching.

Asher was tired, easily sad, and could not take no for answer. Not sharing this secret triggered all sorts of thoughts and fears with insecurity and a fear of loneliness underneath. I could not fix it.

Bedtime talking also had Elsie describing her earlier naptime while the babysitter was here. She said she got sad, because she missed me, so she chose to sleep in my bed. She said that she was on her side of the bed and then, “I missed you so much so I moved over and moved over until I put my head on your pillow to smell you, and then I went to sleep.”

I leave the dishes, let the grass grow long, remove the spider, don’t mention it. I am listening and carefully choosing what to say, or not say. I am drinking from a fire hose here. I am not thirsty, and there’s water everywhere, don’t mention it.

:::::

This is the return of Just Write, a free-writing exercise in which you sit down with no writing agenda, no pushing for a theme. Watch the details of your stories ignite their own meaning from within:

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterPin it on PinterestShare via emailSubmit to StumbleUpon

{ 0 comments }

proud gusto

August 17, 2015

OH hiiii there… I’m okay and even good sometimes. But yes, I’m doing too many things. No, I have not been taking care of myself. Yes, it’s catching up with me. No, I’m not really doing anything about it. Yet. Sometimes I don’t until I do. When there are fight or flight stressors for months on end…well, I don’t know. It’s just a lot. Last week I did almost nothing other than to try to keep us all in survival mode. Doctor appointments, calls, hurry up and sign up for preschool, babysitters, work, appointments. You get the idea. I sure get the idea. I have the anxiety much. I’m working on it. Sort of. Okay not really. But I will. Soon. I hope. I really do. First, the appointments. On Friday Elsie and I chilled with her good doctor at U of M Riverside Children’s in the big city. He is the doctor of baby hearts, the one that already fixed […]

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterPin it on PinterestShare via emailSubmit to StumbleUpon
read me →

Just Write {190}

June 2, 2015

Twas the night before the Last Day Of School and all through the house not a creature was stirring, except for maybe mommy, all tight shoulders and frown lines, deciding what to do. No, no. Not with the summertime hours, boredom, long stretched out days… No rather, mommy was trying to find a way to deal with the new discovery of mold in the home. Why yes, “mommy” is me…but you knew that. I’ve been moving furniture from the basement to the upstairs on the other side of the house, with help, to try to bring the kiddos up out of the mold. That is the first thing to do when you discover mold. Because you can’t just run out the door screaming with all of your belongings behind you, on a string, while carrying the kids on your tight shoulders, even if you want to. So today the rooms are part-moved, because it […]

Share on FacebookShare on TwitterPin it on PinterestShare via emailSubmit to StumbleUpon
read me →