Just Write {181}

March 31, 2015

Brandi Carlile has a new album. My favorite song is Wherever Is Your Heart.

Please forgive my mind, she sings.

Please forgive my mind.

I listened to it a few minutes ago and started to cry. Maybe because my mind, if allowed, is on a mission to destroy. I have been working hard in the midst of medical scares, divorce, sobriety, and every new and different thing, to stop my mind.

Stop. Just stop.

Almost every last thing is a thing I cannot control, so to think on these things is only torture. Thinking can be like a drug. A control drug. Because maybe if I think long and hard enough, I will things into being better, or however I imagine is best, and I’m probably wrong.

So I stop. I try to stop thinking.

I do the things I need the courage to do and I try to stop my mind. Please forgive my mind.

Sometimes stopping means having a good cry and making a phone call to a wise and trusted friend. Sometimes it means watching innumerable episodes of Friends on Netflix and allowing myself to laugh at the ridiculousness.

Stopping always means acceptance and letting go and surrender.

These would be the hardest lessons to learn, in a life. So we learn them over and over and forgive our human weakness and try again.

The heart is starved for surrender because it is beaten up by the mind so much. It needs a break.

And lately I look to my children for the wisdom to know the difference between the things I can change and the things I cannot. Motherhood is an opportunity to let go, and often feels like cramming for a Life Test. Can you do this, Mama? Can you accept the things you cannot change? Can you admit that their world is not you, but you are merely and valuably an important part of it?

Wherever is your heart, I call home.

EJhands

This is the 181st installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {New here? Please see the details.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. (Then link back to this post in your Just Write post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

 

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Just Write {180}

March 24, 2015

The clinic called yesterday to remind me of Elsie’s pre-op appointment. That was good because I had forgotten which day it was, and only wrote it on one calendar, instead of the kind inside my phone and computer that reminds me of stuff. It matters a lot to me, but there sure are a lot of things up in the ol’ noggin these days.

Starting on Friday, it’s spring break, and it lasts through next week. Elsie will have her tonsils and adenoids out on Tuesday. I just started to think through this, after the reminder call, and wondered if her recovery is going to be harder with everyone at home. A flutter of stress flew through my chest and belly and then I decided that it will be good. Just as it is already planned. Stay out of the way, Heather.

There will be no running to and from school and there will be little helpers around. We can all eat popsicles and pretend that it really feels like spring outside, even though right now we have inches of snow on the ground. We can watch movies and play games. We can just be. We can get this done and then prepare ourselves for the heart procedure next.

Isn’t it something how life arranges itself to force some time in which you cannot run?

It is good.

The snow fell on Sunday, thick and wet, piling up. It was the sloshy kind. It was quiet out in the country, so still. It looked a bit like an old black and white movie, the dark bare trees and the dots of white zooming past on a mission to the ground. I stood out in it and tried to let go of many things, said the Serenity Prayer, took a deep breath.

It looks sometimes like I am the tree, still and waiting, life zooming past me, down. Like I am rooted and at ease and waiting for the buds of leaves to show up despite the things I can’t control. The cold, the heavy inches piling up on me and around me. I can even look peaceful. I can sometimes even feel peaceful. But mostly these days I am not the tree at all, but I’m running from one job to another, and from this to that. My head and heart are trying to keep up, every thought and feeling like that snow, all separate, becoming one heavy thing in the pit of my stomach.

That’s just the truth. And I am trying and we are going to be okay and spring doesn’t ever stay away even if winter fights for one last gasp.

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This is the 180th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {New here? Please see the details.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. (Then link back to this post in your Just Write post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

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Just Write {179}

March 17, 2015

We walked down the street to get the mail, no coats on. The sun shined and smiled on us all weekend and we soaked in the vitamin D, the fresh air, the soft breeze, every moment. We did nothing, which is everything, isn’t it? It is so hard to pout or fuss when the sun is smiling on you. Especially when you have lived many dark months, so much cold isolation. Elsie ate an apple as we walked, her mud boots clomping, her teeth chomping. She looked up and smiled, turned around to look at her brothers and neighbor friends playing. She said, “We’re getting furder and furder….” (further and further) Yes, we are, I said. Yes, we are. We just keep going, and we get there. The mailbox held nothing much to be desired, as per usual. But Elsie thought it was the best trip down the street ever anyway. Our house sits [...]

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Just Write {178}

March 10, 2015

She tells me she wants to have two tomorrows, one for what I am saying we need to do the next day, and one for what she would rather do the next day. She is three, and easily believes she has a right to demand a double day. Of course, I can’t grant this wish, it’s like telling her I can paint an extra moon in tonight’s sky. Her first days on Earth are vivid in my cluttered unfocused brain because they were so awful. Thankfully, I also remember them well because I fell in love with her, which I realize is not the immediate experience of every mother. Sometimes falling in love takes time. Someone should tell us that. My Elsie Jane did not arrive after 40 weeks on my insides, she came a little early. In grand Elsie style, she kicked the nurse on her way out, causing said seasoned OB [...]

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