Just Write {51}

September 3, 2012

My feet are probably making a thwap thwap thwap sound, but I can’t hear it because my ear buds are full of Mumford and Sons. I will wait, I will wait, I will wait…

and it’s hard not to sing out loud at the top of my lungs. I still throw my arms out sometimes, to the beat. Like I’m a drummer. A thirty-seven year old mother and wife from Minnesota, on a run on a tar path, air drumming. Sometimes I jump up to touch a leaf on a low branch, for that little zing of energy that trees give away for free.

My head is full of anticipation and some angst, but I will wait, I will wait, I will wait. I’m tired of pushing My Way up a hill like I can control a boulder. I want to be pulled by a way that isn’t mine but is the best mine I could possibly have. Jumping for leaves and thinking that thought makes me feel like I could fly. But I thwap thwap thwap my way across a quiet street and on to a path into an even quieter cemetery. I slow to walk and I read names on headstones.

There’s a man there, in the early morning light, alone. He’s standing next to a big open space in the ground, dirt piled up and off to the side. I walk past him and lift my hand just a little, to honor his story without bothering him too much. I wonder who is gone from his life, that would bring him here before the casket and all the other mourners. I’m sorry.

{photo from the following day}

These days of dust
Which we’ve known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I’ll kneel down
Wait for now
And I’ll kneel down
Know my ground

The light coming up to the day, the sun, it’s trusted. The rest we don’t know. And I’m walking and air drumming and free. The weather is turning in the way that makes mornings a little more crisp but still warm. I can jump up to touch leaves and think of the start of school, start to worry for my anxious boy, start to push that boulder, rolling in all the many hard things filled with fear. The regret, the sorrow, the ways I’ve been betrayed and the ways I’ve betrayed. But I have to say no, but maybe not out loud. No no no, just jog/walk and look at the day, this one.

So I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So take my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I’ll kneel down
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

 

This is the 51st installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.} I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page, and please don’t link to posts that are not written in the spirit of capturing moments–like lists or sponsored posts. Then please link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in. (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.)

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Gianna September 3, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Country, huh? Well, I guess!

No, just kidding. I think I like country more than I realize!

I’m sending my youngest daughter to Kindergarten tomorrow.
And she’s excited. And that’ gonna help that boulder to start rolling!
Gianna recently posted..The Night Before School

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Jamie September 3, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I know that urge to air drum on a run because the music just moved you that way. I do a shoulder hop-shrug thing on the treadmill from time to time. I can’t help it. The energy just has to get out. And it’s a different kind of energy than the kind I use to actually run :) But you did that in this post, described it so emotionally-perfect. As usual, I love this post :)
Jamie recently posted..You Are Four: A Letter For Monkey

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designhermomma September 3, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I’m there. I’m totally there with you. I need to breath, but I’m meeting you in that place.
designhermomma recently posted..Because writing is easier than quiting.

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Tiffany September 3, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Beautiful sentiment. I was there running and high giving the leaves with you. Pushing the emotions and thoughts aside… Thank you for sharing!

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Lisa Rae @ smacksy September 3, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Lovely words. And that song. It’s such a tears streaming song. xo
Lisa Rae @ smacksy recently posted..What Are You?

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Jen September 3, 2012 at 10:50 pm

I couldn’t sleep, so I had to ‘just write’ tonight. I am glad that you have given me a space to do that.

Also, love Mumford and Sons. :-)
Jen recently posted..Night Time Thoughts

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tara/pohlkottepress September 3, 2012 at 11:07 pm

this might be one of my favorites of yours to date. your words are an element like the sun and the leaves. love it.
tara/pohlkottepress recently posted..first day of 1st grade

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Stephanie Precourt September 4, 2012 at 7:22 am

Oh I can see you, I can just see you there.

Steph
Stephanie Precourt recently posted..September FOUR

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Shawn September 4, 2012 at 7:45 am

“Sometimes I jump up to touch a leaf on a low branch, for that little zing of energy that trees give away for free.” Just love this. Thank you for sharing.
Shawn recently posted..Be a Gratitude Goddess

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Ellie September 4, 2012 at 7:45 am

I love this post so much. I read your words and nod my head yes, yes, yes.

And yesterday morning? I was thwaping my way along my daily walk listening to this song as I walked through a cemetary. For reals.

-xo
Ellie recently posted..The Unchecked Box

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Bridget September 4, 2012 at 7:53 am

“I walk past him and lift my hand just a little, to honor his story without bothering him too much.” <—oh, i love this.
Bridget recently posted..Wrinkles

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HopefulLeigh September 4, 2012 at 8:58 am

Oh, Heather. YES, this.
HopefulLeigh recently posted..What I’m Into (August Edition)

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Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) September 4, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I love this song so! and this post was just as good. xoxo
Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) recently posted..New [School] Year Resolutions

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Adrienne September 4, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Your words draw us into the moment and lift us out of it at the same time. This is wonderful.
Adrienne recently posted..Me Time

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Ann September 5, 2012 at 8:57 pm

This is just amazing. All of it. You.
Ann recently posted..Playlist for our 50th wedding anniversary video montage

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