I was thinking about me and the way I’ve been livingand I was struck with this awful thought. Motherhood did not change me for the better. Yeah, maybe not. Maybe motherhoodand it’s repetitive sameness and overwhelming emotionssent me spinning and I choseto cope with that in damaging ways… That may be the hard truthbut there’s another one,a truth in the moments I have been clinging to all along. No. Motherhood didn’t change mein the ways that I hoped it would, but… my boys sure are. They are my teachers of joy and kindness,my little mentors on how to love. And that, is what I’m going to choose to think about.These beautiful boys are changing me with who they are,even when motherhood is not and until it does. ~~~~~~~ Mothers are coping everywhere and not talking about it. What I wrote above is not implying that my boys are the reason I drank, but […]
Sunday~ January 17, 2010 He woke himself up with a yelp from the flailing of his out of control two month old limbs. I fought my c-section pain and was up from the chair in a stumbling rush, hurrying to see what was wrong. Through his pumping arms and fists, I saw the damage his sharp little fingernail had done to his face. There was a line of blood that started between his eyes, trailing down under his eye and running over his cherub chubby cheek, finding its resting place in my heart. Then he cried and cried as I bounced my normally calm and peaceful little boy, a screeching kind of sound coming from him. The sound of a surprise hit of pain. Oh I’m sorry Oh I’m sorry Oh I’m sorry, I said. I thought I’d failed him, that’s what I thought. Not cutting his fingernails right or some such thing. […]
I can’t. That’s what I thought. I can’t. We pulled in the driveway over four years ago, me in the back seat with this new foreign person, aching in every way. And I thought those words. I thought, I can’t. I asked Ryan to take the baby in without me, to introduce him to the dog without the excitement of me, the dog’s everything, in the picture. So I stood outside and shivered in the heat alone, looking around at everything being different than it had been just a few days before, all overly bright and textured from the pain pills. Standing there in my suddenly roomy maternity shirt, I shivered. Empty. Ryan came out and said everything was going fine. The dog sniffed the baby and the baby slept. There were no big events as I had imagined. I walked up the steps, not quickly because of the surgery, and passed through […]
Wednesday~November 25, 2009Does it seem that being present is something that comes easy for me? I write here about the beauty in the mundane, the joy of having children amidst the backdrop of chaos, and I mean what I say. But maybe it appears that being present, especially with my boys, is a gift of mine. The truth is that I struggle immensely with it, this ability to remain in the moment, focused. I know I also write about my struggles with depression every now and again, and occasionally I write about actually running out the door to escape the whining and mess, but for the most part my posts are goodness and light, and that might make it seem that I’m constantly in that state of being present, of seeing through my heart’s eyes. I was interviewed over on A Design So Vast on this subject, hence my thoughts here today. The […]
Wednesday~November 18, 2009 When Asher first started doing his one arm up in the air, one arm pointing to the ground dance, it killed me. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, this little airplane person in the blue glasses, shaking his shoulders and bobbing his head, then adding a little butt wiggle for effect. I wish that stuff stayed as funny and adorable after the seventy-eleventh time you’ve seen it as it was the very first time. I suppose it’s just human nature (especially adult human nature) to see something so many times that it loses it’s oomph and just doesn’t lift you in quite the same way it did at first. Of course, if it’s your child, it remains adorable and endearing and you point it out to everyone, but it’s just not the exact same as the very first time you experienced it. And then you want […]
Sunday~November 8, 2009 I’ve never been able to keep a plant alive. It’s not that I forget about the plant, ignore it, leaving it thirsty. It’s more like I over think it, water it too often, and prune it too much. I’m a recovering control freak. I thought about this today as I (conservatively) pruned a plant of ours that’s been living a record amount of time in my care. This plant was given to me after my Grandpa died, and I was afraid from the start that I’d kill it. The difference this time is that I’m being less careful. I’m holding back when I start to worry if I’m doing it just right. Should I water it again, does it seem droopy, the edges of the leaves are getting a little brown, maybe I should move it…. No, I say to myself. It’s fine, it’ll be fine. I’ve simply been letting […]
I don’t know how to how to be a mother, really. I don’t have all the right words to tell them I don’t know how to teach them hardly ever words and orders my rules obey! repeating and explaining Or even more how I live how I speak they will know and do and be because of what I’m doing, not what I’m saying. Tall order living out what you say is right and good so they will act like you because they will act like you. I’m so often saying one thing and acting quite another thing out. That’s the pressure in motherhood for me, the thing I worry over getting right. Not when they potty train junk food paci TV co-sleep ECFE Maybe those things matter, but only for a time and then they don’t. When I say I want to allow myself to fall into motherhood, I’m not talking […]
Wednesday~October 21, 2009 Motherhood For me, it looks just like this… Just one thrilling load of laundry and bag of garbage at a time! Or not. Motherhood For me,it looks like this, “GOOD JOB, HONEY!” (high-pitched and syrupy sweet)Or not.(he may look terrified, but he’s just really really excited) Motherhood…Maybe it looks more like this… MessyBattlesPushPullMadKissesLaughterSacrificeThankfulIn loveWorryConnectionTeachingGuiltPrayerGivingPeaceJoyFearMeThemUsAlways However it looks,losing my cool or not,looking my best or never,feeling down or up,messy house,the good, the bad, the ugly,the beautiful, the mundane, the milestones,the grind, and all the clashing emotions… Good. ~~~This post is a part of Wordful Wednesdays at Seven Clown Circus.You will find more wordful posts on motherhood by clicking the button below. If you’re a mom, and you sometimes feel likeyou just don’t measure up,you can read a letter I wrote to youby clicking here. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly […]
Monday~September 28, 2009 Miles watched me pick up a book and set it in the library bin and he said, “That’s not a library book, Mom.” So I pointed out the bar code on the top right corner and the library sticker on the back of the book. He accepted defeat in the argument and moved on. Then, because I’m totally random and like to spice things up, I told him that he has a bar code on his forehead and a sticker on his bum. I said, “I guess I’ll have to return you to the library soon. It was nice of them to let me borrow you, but now another mom needs a turn.” He rolled his eyes and smirked, but I immediately felt bad for my little joke. I could see the questions in his eyes as he mulled over this concept. So I scooped him up and kissed his […]
Tuesday~September 15, 2009 I’ll never forget taking Miles to his first big event when he was about two weeks old. I was a mess of hormones, a lactating machine filled with angst, joy, and fear all at once. In short, I was a complete mess and somehow, I was absolutely loving it. Those first days, they all ran together and felt as if they’d last forever. Such a strange thing, being so tired that you just want your baby to hurry up and grow, and yet wanting them to be newly born and in your arms your entire life. And then you want a break so badly, you come close to asking the mailman to babysit so you can run around the block. And then you want to wake that sweet little monster up after he finally falls asleep because you suddenly miss him…yes, it’s crazy-making, alright. My mom was holding him on […]
All morning I’ve been trying to figure out how to say what I’m thinking. I didn’t know how to express it, couldn’t find my words. I kept trying and getting frustrated and shaking small people off my legs and getting frustrated. Then I would stop and do dishes or pick some stuff up or break up a fight. Then I read a couple of blogs, and what do you know? Two of my lovely friends said exactly what I was trying so hard to say…. Amber of The Run-A-Muck wrote How to build a house of prayer: look for flags of JOY and Jo of Mylestones wrote Weebles Wobble But They Don’t Fall Down Lately I’ve been ignoring my need for constant renewal. Not just rest and some peace and quiet and a break here and there, but renewal of the spiritual variety. I ignore it and then I feel up to my […]
Tuesday~September 1, 2009 I’m going to have to do it. I’m going to have to put my fingers on the page, lifting it up and over, turning to September. School, schedules, activities, the cold settling in and stealing Summer, making it seem even shorter than it was. Minnesota is as abrupt as she is indecisive, when it comes to the changing of seasons. I love the Fall colors, the crisp leaves underfoot on long walks, and the need for a cozy sweater. I love that Fall means I’m about to pull out more blankets, throwing them over our beds, soft and colorful, something that feels new. But so soon? I don’t like that Fall means Winter is peeking it’s huge noggin around the corner of the next calendar page, ready to pounce, stealing the beautiful colors from the trees, making their visit even shorter, and then staying just a moment long enough to […]
Wednesday~August 26th, 2009 Asher had a very long doctor’s appointment today. We saw his regular pediatrician and talked at length about what to bring up at his appointment with his neurosurgeon in a couple of weeks. We also talked about his eyesight and made an appointment for him to see a pediatric eye doctor in a couple of weeks. There’s concern that he’s having some vision issues due to the alignment of his eyes, and because he regularly mistakes one object for another. (And because hydrocephalus can cause some issues with eyesight.) I for one think that Asher would be adorable in glasses… After the appointment we headed home and while the boys napped, Ryan and I packed and got ready for he and the boys to take a trip up north together. Without me. (Cue dramatic music.) They woke up and my three boys piled in the van. I saw them off […]
Wednesday~August 12, 2009 Most of what I remember from when my boys were babies is a blur with flashes of emotion. I hate forgetting even the things that I try so hard to relish. Some of the things I do remember, I should probably forget, but then again, I don’t want to forget the things that hold us tight together for the enduring of them. With Miles I remember one particular day with crystal clarity. We were taking a nap when I woke up to strange gurgling and choking sounds. He was vomiting in his sleep, eyes slowly pulling themselves open, a look of nothing on his face. I sat up and turned him on his side and more and more the gasping and choking came, covering ourselves and the bed in wet. I picked him up and it just kept happening. I walked to the neighbor’s, asking if I was being a […]
Thursday~July 2, 2009 Sometimes there’s just no better word than gross. I feel it. The gross. I’m acting like a pouty teen around my husband, flustered around my children, and overwhelmed by every little duty around me. I was totally distracted by some new writing opportunities yesterday, and shot off to bury my nose in the screen, pounding fingertips on the keyboard. This is what I do a lot when Ryan comes home. I plant myself in this place and something in me tells me I’m simply claiming my time, a little piece of me that is just for me rather than more giving and giving and giving. But I know that sometimes I spend far too much time here. Ugh, the fight for balance. Gross. Then Asher stood on the bench of the small table in our backyard and from his cry I knew how bad the fall was. Ryan was calling […]
Wednesday~June 24, 2009 “And this is grace. An invitation to be beautiful.” ~Sara Groves I started stripping the beds this morning, contemplating seeing the whole bed washing process through from beginning to end. I got to the part where I piled the blankets and sheets on the floor after pulling them from the bed. Then I flopped down on my back, smack in the middle of the bed and stared up at the ceiling fan, thinking on all the piles in my head, the way they overwhelm me like housework sometimes. Regrets, lists, ideas and feelings. There I was, just me and the fan and the mattress and my thoughts like piles. Until someone small and lanky threw himself over the edge of the bed and THWACK! his knee interrupted my thoughts as it met my cheekbone. Miles said, “What are you doing, Mommy?” “Nothing, Sweetie.” THWACK! There Asher came, not to be […]
Tuesday~ June 16, 2009The letter ‘C’ doesn’t really work on my laptop. Yeah. It took me a really long time to type that because I had to get that unworking letter xfxxxdxd….to work. See? It’s not working again. Sorry…bear with me, the key has popped off the keyboard and we an’t get it back on… Ryan and I are trying to put it bak on the keyboard. It’s not working…. …… ccccc… Oh look! CCCC… It’s working! He fixed it! (My husband can do anything.) (Except fly…he can’t fly.) The C key met it’s demise at the hands of my children. They had a whole lot of fun with the computer a couple of times when I made the mistake of leaving it unattended. There’s also white gooey stuff on the floor in my bedroom, a strange smell floating out of Miles’ closet, and a million small dark stains on the living room […]
Monday~June 15, 2009 Good Mother. Bad Mother. It’s a discussion that’s sweeping television and the internet. A Good Mother is one who is always positive about her mothering role and does a really great and patient job at all times. A Bad Mother is one that actually has many faults and makes innumerable mistakes, even in just one day. (According to these new labels anyway.) For example, not too long ago, some young suburban mothers sat on Oprah and said that they were tired of pretending to be perfect moms, and started telling the “real truth,” talking about how hard and ugly motherhood can be, and how unhappy they are much of the time. Yes, they were “Bad Mothers.” It was treated as if these women were telling some very shocking secrets. (I’m pretty sure the show itself was titled The Secret Lives of Mothers, or something like that.) In reading articles and […]
Wednesday~June 10, 2009He humbles me. He challenges me. He inspires me.He is bright and alive and imaginative and kind.He is sensitive, empathetic and intuitive.He has a great sense of humor.He is artistic. He is lovely. He is mine. He came along and gave me the chance to call myself Mother.He forgives me. He accepts me.He brings out the best in me.He brings out the worst in me.Then he gives me time to change the worst.He is unconditional. He is wise. He is love. What a curious little mysterious reflection of God.With all my heart I hope to be like him one day. Miles, I love you…even when I’ve no strength to show it. Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
Tuesday~May 19, 2009 Sometimes I feel like I say the same things over and over. But I’m realizing that’s because there are some things that I’m always going to have to keep reminding myself. Forgive me, I’m a slow learner. It’s that way with my boys too, I seem to have to say the same thing over and over until one day it finally clicks. It’s easy to figure my words hold no meaning, but I hope they always do, somewhere along the way. ~~~~~~~~~~ As I type this, I’m sitting on our patio, watching Asher play and keeping him happy and occupied with bubbles. The keyboard is getting sticky with soapy slime, and I’m thinking about how much multi-tasking a person can do in one day. This juggling of things can be messy, but especially in mothering, it’s just plain necessary. Our days have been long and full. Summer brings so many […]
Wednesday~April 29, 2009 The extra long hugs, the wiping of tears,the in-depth answers to the many “whys.”the playing at the park,the looking long into blue eyes,and many “I love yous.”The dancing in the kitchen,the ruffling of hair.The wrapping snug in a toweland holding close.The tucking inand lingering long.The breathing in.The heart swelling. Sure, there are stresses and strains that turn me ugly around every corner, but there are many more moments that are the ones that truly define me as a mother. I just keep forgetting to look at those. My meltdowns are simply inevitable responses to all the plate spinning, balls in the air, tightrope walking, and pressure. The funny thing is, when I accept these moments of snapping and grumping without guilt, they are fewer, and life seems even more full of lovely. lovely feet lovely mud lovely ridelovely Levi’s diaper butt Thank you for allowing me to pop up in […]
Friday~April 17, 2009 I can hear Ryan’s voice through the window as he shouts praise, “Yeah, you got it! Just keep your eye on the ball! See? You did it! You’re doing great!” Why is it that something so ordinary really does become extraordinary when it happens to you, with your very own child? A small ball, a concentrated little face, and a smack of the bat…it all becomes the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. Today, while the extraordinary is happening outside the walls of this messy place, I frump around, trying to catch up on life. I’m mad that there are so many dishes and I’m confused by the mound of laundry that reinvented itself overnight. The bags from a recent trip are still left unpacked, and all the pulling on my pant legs got to me today. I feel weary. So I stand frozen, not doing any of it, just […]
Posted on Saturday~April 4, 2009 “Anybody who is honest will admit that they have times when they know they’re not being the mother they wish they would be. But, to dwell on mistakes is simply wasting time. We move on…learning, growing, improving, and loving our children to the best of our abilities.” –blueviolet I should just fill my posts with the things you guys say. Seriously, I’ve been IN LOVE with your comments on these mothering posts. There are so many wise and lovely moms out there. Thank you. Today I’m going to share a little more of my personal mom journey, and how Debbie’s advice (which I’ve mentioned in the last two posts) helped steer me back to the place I was going. We’re all just as different as mothers as we are as people. So I don’t think Debbie’s advice will suit every person. We all have different ways of doing […]
Posted on Friday~April 3, 2009 After publishing my post on Mom Guilt yesterday, I felt uneasy about something. (No, surprisingly it wasn’t the fact that it takes me 427 paragraphs to say something. I felt fine about that.) But I felt a little off about sharing a quote from the person I had emailed while I was having a mothering meltdown without identifying who that person is. Something was gnawing at my gut, saying, “Isn’t it possible that many of your readers will know who this is, and you’re not giving her any credit at all?” So I said, “You’re right gut, I suppose there’s a small chance some people will know who she is, so when I share the advice she gave me, I should maybe give her a mention, just in case.” I did ask her permission to share her identity, just in case you were wondering. I’ll show you her […]
Posted on Thursday~April 2, 2009 There are around 100 posts in my archives with labels like ‘parenting’ and ‘motherhood’. You’d think I was some sort of expert or something. But then you’d be really wrong, and who likes that? Let’s just say that if you were a fly on my wall, you wouldn’t be that impressed.(And you’d be really cute with your big, bulgy eyes.) It’s not that I’m a bad mom, I’m just probably not what you think I am. I’m not saying that because I’m having a pity party or looking for accolades. I’m saying that because we all struggle. This is exceptionally hard work. I had a really bad day the other day (of course it was Tuesday/Bluesday, what’s the deal with that?). By the afternoon I had no idea what to do, how to handle yet another tantrum, or how a person goes about saving their sanity. The truth […]
Posted on Sunday~March 8, 2009 Many moons ago I did a little experiment here on the EO. If you were around here back then, I’m sure you remember me asking two questions of mothers. One was what they feel they’re doing really well as a mom, and then the next question was “in what ways do you feel that you’re failing?” It didn’t surprise me that it was much easier for people to think of the ways they feel they’re failing than it was for them to list the things they’re doing really well. But it did keep my wheels turning so I then had people write posts about what they’re doing well. I LOVED those posts. I learned from other moms and especially loved playing a small part in someone realizing they aren’t half bad! As I’ve read through the answers to those two questions in the comments on this post and […]
Posted on Friday~March 6, 2009Have you met Amber and Seth? Amber is the gifted writer at The Run a Muck, and she also happens to be the recipient of the Mother Letter Project this past Christmas. Seth is her husband, the man behind The Mother Letter Project. (If you don’t know, the Mother Letter Project was an idea Seth had to have mothers write letters to mothers, sharing encouragement and advice. He then collected all the letters (hundreds and hundreds) and gave them to Amber for Christmas. Yes, WOW.) When the identity of the recipient was revealed on Seth’s blog, he linked to his wife, Amber’s blog. I immediately subscribed. I was blown away by Amber’s talent for writing and for sharing her thoughts and feelings from her heart. Now these two lovely people have something new up their sleeves. The Mother Letter Project spread across the internet like wildfire. People were inspired […]
Posted on Thursday~February 26, 2009I’m starting to think there can be more of an ease to my life, coming from a place of contentment. I’ve never been that good at content, but I’m learning there’s an acceptance and perspective that can free my mind of a whole lot of clutter that weighs me down. This is probably something more seasoned Mamas have known a long time. I’m a bit of a slow learner, so bear with me. I’m starting to realize that maybe nothing I once thought I needed has to happen in order for me to be content. I’m letting the truth fall fresh on my ears. You are a mother. It’s enough. It’s huge. It’s everything you think you want and more. I do love being a mother, more than I ever imagined I would. I’ve been thinking I should let myself really fall into it, to allow myself to change […]
Posted on Thursday~February 19, 2009 They stand at my feet. “I want a green one no not yellow I said please Mom!“ “Mama, can I just have an orange one!” He yanks on my legs. “I just want one more and a green one and then three MOM, you’re not listening!” He snaps, he fusses, he stomps. He wants wants wants he’s not doing it right He can’t wait for what he wants.———— “Child, you need to back up! ask in your regular voice not with a whine… just give me some space!” “I was doing something I will get it for you it will be green and then orange stop grabbing stop pulling don’t cry get off your brother’s foot get off my foot I HEARD YOU!” I snap, I fuss, I stomp. I can’t wait for what I want. ———— I see it then, we’re the same. we want. I stop […]
Posted on Friday~February 13, 2009 May I have a moment to totally freak out? Okay, thanks… Some days no matter how hard I try, I can’t be the Mom that’s in my head and heart. Every which way I turn there are things stealing her from me. I don’t like the lady that’s left behind. Impatient, short-tempered and tired. There’s too much to do in too little time. That stresses me out. I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say that I can’t figure out how to get any of it done. The errands take two hours longer than planned because I’m constantly stopping to tie shoes and wipe noses and have “discussions” with the new boy that took over my sweet Miles’ body. This new boy is not so nice. I can’t wait for the old Miles to come back. I love them both, but the new one leaves […]
