Posted on Saturday~February 7, 2009I sat on the floor next to the open dresser drawer, trying to match socks to no avail. “I think I’m actually really totally and completely losing my mind,” I said. Ryan calmly responded from the next room, “What’s going on? Are you losing your mind over socks?” “No. I don’t mind the socks today….But our life is so busy and hectic and it’s been so stressful, all this medical stuff with Asher, and how we have no time for each other, and you travel for work… and even though I know all of that…I still want to have another baby.” (He bursts out laughing.) (I do too.) I still can’t find any matches for the socks, so I just sit there and look at the drawer full of small things, and I talk about how having kids just keeps getting better. I fall more and more in love […]
Posted by Heather of the EO~Wednesday, December 17, 2008 I’m thinking of starting a new club. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Husbands. Except we won’t actually share the husbands, like the pants in that book/movie. Instead, we’ll just sit around and be tired together. We won’t have to say a word, we’ll just know. It always feels good to be truly known. Yesterday, as the snow continued to come down and I was just plain sick of it, I remembered that old “attitude is everything” saying, which made me want to drive right into a snow drift. But I didn’t. Instead, my attitude was adjusted for me, in a much more positive way than crashing my car. I pulled Asher out of his car seat at Target and hoisted him on my hip. If it were raining rather than snowing, it would have been what we call a downpour. I started to think […]
Have you heard of The Mother Letter Project? It’s just the sweetest thing. You can click on the link to learn more. In a nutshell, a sweet man out there is collecting letters for his wife. To join in, you’re simply asked to write a letter titled, Dear Mother. And then either give advice or encouragement of some kind and email him the letter. Then this lovely husband will compile them all (A LOT) in a book for his wife for Christmas. Doesn’t THAT rock the husband party? I encourage you to go read more about what this family is doing this Christmas rather than buying material gifts, it’s inspiring. ———– Dear Mother, You’re perfect. It’s not that you don’t have faults, you do. You should know that, since you seem a bit focused on those faults. But you’re absolutely the perfect fit for your children. You have flaws of course, but they’re […]
Ready? AIM! FIRE!!! (Prepare for bullet points and while you read imagine popping and cracking and banging sounds cause that’s what’s in my head as I shoot them off. And ignore the fact that I don’t use punctuation that often. Thank you.) Some days I just can’t be patient and calm and easy-going and nice and creative and energetic. Today is one of those days. It’s snowing. I will try hard to find it pretty, but it’s also winter. I’m the kind of stay at home mom that cannot stay at home because we all go crazy but today I have no choice because my mom accidentally left with Miles’ car seat yesterday. So it’s two hours away. Obviously we can’t go anywhere with no car seat. The boys are insane today. Being 3.5 years old is making Miles a big meanie. And Asher has a headache and he’s always tired and I […]
I’m so far behind on life. The dust bunnies are getting so big, they might eat the dog. Or one of the children. That would not be good. I’m learning a valuable lesson through my current state of mind (overwhelmed), and Asher’s current state of mind (watery). The lesson? I need help. We all need help, especially in certain seasons, but I’m not all that good at asking for it. Somewhere along the road, I started to believe that I’m somehow a better person if I can do it all on my own. That seems to be the idea most mothers have. That having help somehow steals something from their mothering trophy case. I should know better than to have this belief because I see myself when other people are around. I earn a lot more trophies when I’m encouraged and inspired by the presence of other grown-ups. Being surrounded in help here […]
No matter how it seems sometimes behind my weary eyes and sighs,I love being with you. You are perspective and pure joy. You are bringing me to my knees,exactly where I need to be. You are beautiful, just as you are. You are me. You are Daddy. You are yourself, and that’s my favorite part. You are ours. You are His. You are light and grace and warmth,all wrapped up in skin and bone.You are forgiving and unconditional.You are examples to me of how to live. Because you are everything I may have forgotten.Things all covered up by the hardness of living.freedom, joy, peace, dreams…you are. You smell like it. You live it. You exude it.You are love.———They say I’ll want these days back,They go all too fast. But I’m starting to realize I won’t.No, not the days.I admit they’re too hard and I’m tired.I won’t want the days. But these tiny versions […]
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. Okay, not a “bit” of a funk, but a full-blown funk. I’m struggling with moods that aren’t pretty. I’ve been allowing the negative thoughts that pop up throughout the day to win out. One of the emotions that I so easily fall back on is anger. It’s triggered easily for me. Sadness and confusion, they turn to anger. Fatigue and frustration, they turn to anger. I’m quick to snap at my kids and if my husband were here I’d snap at him too. The irony of my feeling this way right now is that two posts of mine about anger are on two different sites today. God certainly has an excellent sense of humor. And impeccable perfect timing. One of these posts is all about allowing anger and then doing something healthy with it. I cannot tell you how much I needed to be […]
I’m so far from perfect, I even smell. Sometimes. Not constantly. But a lot of the time. When I forgo showering for more important things like parenting or blogging. Why am I saying this? Oh. Well. You know that little project where I listed things I’m doing well as a mother? I get a yucky feeling in my stomach when I read it. Because it sounds too good to be true. Because the fact is, I don’t do those fancy things well all the time. Or even most of the time. I’m not superhuman. I fail at my good list a whole lot of the time. But I don’t want to focus on the failing anymore. I want to see myself failing and not make a big deal out of it. I have a history of ruminating on the negative and I’m simply realizing that doesn’t help me improve. It just makes me […]
I was shaking my jeans out before putting them on. Snap! Snap! Miles said, “Why are you doing that Mommy?” “I don’t really know, sweetie. It’s just something I do before putting my pants on I guess.” He stared at me blankly. I thought about this for a little while and then it hit me. How many things am I doing that just really don’t make sense? You know, the things you do that are simply because you do them? Not for any other reason. It’s not like shaking my jeans is really going to take the wrinkles out. I would need to iron for that. But every day, I stand and flap those jeans violently in front of me, as if I’m accomplishing something. And in this same way, most days I walk around with an edge of anxiety about me, snapping at the silliest of things. Someone spills water and doesn’t […]
My last post asked you to do a little Mom Project. I’ve just finished my “things I’m doing well as a mother” list below, and found that it wasn’t all that easy. I don’t know, it just doesn’t come naturally to praise oneself. But it does feel good in the end and it’s probably healthy, right? If you haven’t made your own list, I encourage you to take the time. It’s therapeutic! Here it goes: I truly respect my boys as the unique little people that they are. I think of them this way rather than simply as children. It helps me to understand their behavior and (hopefully) makes me more patient with them. I try to keep myself educated on developmental stages so I can better understand my kids and therefore (hopefully) be less frustrated with (sometimes) crazy behaviors. I’m a ton of fun (when I want to be). We make up […]
She poked her head out of the closet, taking a break from putting away clothes. She looked her grown daughter in the eye and said, “That’s not just exclusive to motherhood. It’s what women do their entire lives. They try to find balance.” Her daughter was silenced by this response. She had always thought that the reason she felt so frazzled was because her current life called for it. Trying to keep her kids on a schedule amidst piles of laundry and never-ending dirty dishes, dealing with tantrums and bed-wetting, weening and sleep deprivation. Wasn’t all of that the real reason she couldn’t find time for herself, or for that matter, time to be truly present with her children? She sat on the floor, folding yet another towel and felt her shoulders slump a little. Her mind raced as she tried to consider this idea. What her mother had just said made her […]
Yesterday I asked moms two questions. I’m excited about some themes I saw in the answers. There is a common thread that I think is truly interesting. I’ll get to that hopefully in the next couple of days, but let’s start with a bit of a lead-in, shall we? A lead-in to what I’m discovering, and an explanation for my cheesy blog title…——-A friend and I went for a walk one evening over ten years ago. We were roommates at the time, spending our days sleeping in, waiting tables, and hanging out with friends late into every night. We were walking down the sidewalk near our apartment, past house after house, all lined up with their fences. My friend stopped suddenly. Her face expressed her fears as she looked over the fences. She said she didn’t know if she could ever do it. She spoke of feeling a bit panicked when picturing herself […]
If you’re here from 5 Minutes for Parenting, Welcome! Please feel free to answer the two questions in this post in the comments. I’m looking for as much input as possible and I really would appreciate your time! Thank you. I’m about to ask two questions I’ve asked before. (I know, so boring.) But I thought it might be possible that there are more people out there to ask than when I first posted these questions about six months ago. And my inquiring mind not only wants to know, but also needs to know. For a little project I’m doing with a friend. So answer away! (If you want to.) If you happen to be a mom, please pour your heart out over these two nosey questions. (Unless you already answered them six months ago, of course.) Oh, and feel free to email me instead of leaving a comment, if you’d like. (fullcircle_doula@yahoo.com) […]
Warning: If you’re not in the mood for a sad story that leads to a rant, you should probably go read something else. Just sayin‘ OH! And also, all of you sweet people who said my rant the other day wasn’t a real rant. You are so right. Because this one might be more along the lines of a real rant. Don’t say I didn’t warn you and don’t be mean in the comments. Thanks.——————————–I really haven’t been making it up when I say that I don’t have “regular” TV on during the day with the boys around. So it’s rare that I see daytime television. But somehow yesterday it worked out that I found myself alone in the kitchen at 4pm. Uncle Kevin had taken Miles on an adventure, and Asher was playing quietly in the living room. (Weird.) I turned on the TV and started thinking about dinner. Oprah (maybe you’ve […]
I hit the pillow last night with a whole lot of shame and frustration. I don’t know what it is about Tuesdays. When Ryan is out of town for work, Tuesdays just totally stink. I think it has something to do with it being only the second solo parenting day and feeling like it’s more like the fifth. Then I’m hard on myself. I can’t figure out how I could be so impatient and crabby, barking at my boys every thirty seconds. When it’s only Tuesday. Long story short, I didn’t handle things very well. I was just one big ball of uptight tension and negativity. So I woke up (still exhausted and much too early) this morning and I looked up and thought something toward God, “I can’t do this alone. I stink at alone.” Not even the slightest moment passed and I was flooded with a fullness of knowing, “You’re never […]
Does it mean I’ve officially lost my mind if I have moments here and there of thinking it would be a good idea to have another baby? What a difference a year can make. Last year at our annual day at the orchard, I was a complete wreck as the mother of a colicky newborn and a toddler. A toddler who was very mad at the colicky newborn for ruining his life. Let’s just say it totally stunk. Here I am (last year), pretending to have a lovely timewhen I was really pretty much completely insane. (niece, E also pictured) Yesterday, we were back with Ryan’s family for our annual trip to the orchard. It was absolutely beautiful outside. We had a ridiculously good time. I wasn’t pacing around with Asher attached to me, praying that he wouldn’t start screaming. He was content, maybe even peaceful. It was a beautiful thing. And Miles […]
“You’re not going to remember any of it anyway,” was what she said. I felt like she had just socked me in the stomach. I hadn’t really thought about it before, but forgetting makes perfect sense. I do it all the time. But this? I’m not going to remember this?I guess she would know, she’s been through it. The sleepless nights, the loads of diapers and laundry, the tantrums, the baths, the food flung across the floor. Those are the things she was referring to, saying I’d forget all of that. She was meaning to encourage me. And yes, I don’t really mind that I’ll forget all of that. I will enjoy my hindsight rose colored glasses when they arrive years from now. But I would gladly remember all of the stress and strain, fatigue and frustration vividly if it meant I would remember all the rest just the same. Because it makes […]
This was written for memory’s sake, as much as I may not want to remember. If you’ve had a baby with colic, you will hear this post and feel the sisterhood behind it. If you have not, and plan to have a baby any time in the future, you may want to skip this one. I wouldn’t want you to worry that it could happen to you. Chances are, you will not live with colic. But, why worry?If you have not experienced a serious case of colic, this post will seem pretty dramatic. If you have, it probably won’t be dramatic enough…baby colic: a form of pain in the abdomen which starts and stops abruptly.————————————-The crying. It doesn’t stop. You will stand helpless. You will stand weary and exhausted beyond anything you can imagine. You will try everything: the rocking, the swaying, the drives in the car, the shushing and pacing, the swaddling […]
There’s a mother in me. She’s one part of me. Sometimes I think she’s the only one in there. The wife up and left, taking the dog with her. The daughter and sister are too busy to lend support to their family. The friend is distracted, forgetting birthdays and how to return a phone call. The writer and dreamer, they’re taking naps. Other days I hit a groove and roll all of me into one. But I find it’s nearly impossible. I’m not very adept at being more than one thing at once. I get very focused, unable to flow from one thing to the next. If I’m writing, I can’t handle any kind of distractions, even though they’re ever-present, so I become terribly impatient. If I’m trying to clean or do laundry, I get upset with my husband for not reading my mind and taking over childcare. If I’m cooking dinner and […]
Sometimes I don’t feel like I have the same badge of honor as other moms. I didn’t accomplish the great entrance into motherhood as I thought I would. Sure, I pushed and strained, grabbed my husband’s hand and wanted to punch him. I looked into the eyes of my doula and made connections that aren’t possible anywhere else. But in the end, my crying baby was not placed immediately on my chest for bonding and feeding, how I had imagined. That thing I thought everyone had to have, the moments of gazing into one another’s faces, that was swept away for later. Instead, there was a bit of a panic, things being unplugged, people speaking a medical language I didn’t fully understand and darting glances. There was talk of heart rates and a tilted little head… can’t make it through…stuck… What? What does that mean? There was splitting pain, breaking through the medication […]
A friend (who is similar to me in a million ways) was asked something in regard to parenting and her answer was along the lines of, “yeah, it’s good. I mean…I’m adjusting.” Her oldest is almost five. We had a good laugh over that one, but I feel the same way. I love my family. I wouldn’t change a thing. (Well, okay I’d sleep more if I could change one thing. Oh! And less poop, I’d appreciate less poop.) I admit that at times, I resist the complete sacrifice that is required of a mother, at the same time as I fully love being a mother. Such a strange paradox. A tension. A dichotomy. It’s tiring. It is one of the many things about parenting that there was no way to prepare for. Because of this tension, I wear myself out between acting out of a complete and consuming love for my boys, […]
Me- “What do you think I should do as a mommy? Is there something you’d like me to be doing?” Miles- “You should be a daddy.” Me- “Well, I can’t really be a daddy cause I’m a lady, so I guess I need to stay being a mommy.” Miles- “You should decide which mommy to be then.” I’ve mentioned before that I love the site Mama Manifesto. I love to read and get ideas, share myself and feel encouraged there. A recent post really challenged me and reminded me that I need to try to stay focused on “which mommy I want to be…” My “Mama Manifesto,” (in short, basically goals I have as a mother) is quite long and involved, making me feel a bit overwhelmed. (Much of it can be found in my post from many moons ago, Ambition.) I have this picture in my mind of the mom I want […]
The last couple of days have left me with the fear that I might actually completely lose my mind.I’ve been floating somewhere over myself, near the ceiling, watching as I act all frazzled and manic over….nothing. Or something. I’m not sure. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I might have hit a wall. I stopped and stared at the wall and it had things written on it. (no, I didn’t actually see a wall with writing on it, this is metaphorical, okay? I did see a bat that wasn’t there, but that’s totally different.) Okay, so the wall I did not actually see said things like, “Yeah, lady. You hit this wall for obvious reasons.” And I’m all, “huh?” So I read on and the wall says, “you haven’t really slept much in over a year. Before that your sleep was occasionally okay, but not great. You got married, bought a house, […]
At 9:52am today I was talking to my dad on the phone, rambling on about who knows what, when I look up at the calendar and say, “OH! Asher has a 10:00am lab appointment, gotta go!” CLICK. (sorry Dad!) I frantically call the best neighbors in the whole entire universe (I say “universe” in case there are aliens, because my neighbors are even better than ET). And the Best Neighbor in the Universe comes right over to watch Miles while I half change Asher’s pj’s and run out the door yelling, “THANKS, be right back!” We get to the clinic and rush up the stairs only to find out they are WAY behind. So we wait. I feed Asher random (old) snacks from the diaper bag, and try to keep him from wanting to crawl all over the lab waiting room floor. I’ve woken him up from his morning nap, but he doesn’t […]
Recently on Twas Brillig, there appeared a hilarious and thought-provoking post. Which happens most every day with that lady. Brillig posed a question. I cannot do her post justice, of course. But since my thoughts were provoked there, she deserves the credit for the subject matter. Here it is: “Do you often feel that you are, in one way or another “better” than the crowd?”Right now the poll is like this:88% YES11% NO At first I thought of how often I feel insecure in a crowd. So my immediate response was NO, I don’t feel “better” than others. I know we all disagree and judge each other on a regular basis. We see something done differently than we would do it and we think it’s wrong, not just simply different. Most of us anyway. But I wonder how much of that comes from how insecure we human-folk really are. It makes us feel […]
Sometimes life gets really full of uncomfortable and painful stuff. Then I remember that conversation with my dad when I was about 21. When I said, “is life always hard, or does it ever get easier?” Oh, my naivete! He just looked at me and smirked. A smirk that said, “I don’t want to tell you the truth right now.” And I was crushed. Because I so badly wanted to believe it would get easier, even though I knew deep down that it wouldn’t. Not that life isn’t full of joys, but many times, the sorrows sneak up and try to steal away the good things. You know how there can just be weeks at a time, or sometimes much longer, when you feel you’re treading water and there is absolutely no boat in sight? You know it’s there, coming sometime, but you’re really tired of swimming. Of spinning your wheels. Not getting […]
You know that old saying, “the truth hurts?” Well, I think it heals. You know, the truth will set you free and all that…I love the idea behind this challenge from Mama Manifesto for that reason. The challenge? GET REAL! If every mom felt free to do so, I think we’d all be a bit more comfortable in our own skin. Not as a justification for the times that we don’t measure up to what we’d like to be doing, but as a recognition that we are only human and can’t be perfect. We all have some things we need work on and we always will. Some are the same and some are different. But admitting them can be the very thing that makes another mom realize she doesn’t have to kill herself to try to be something that another mom is not. (If you’d like to play along, leave a comment with […]
People say they like it when I’m honest about how hard life is with kids sometimes. Okay, almost all the time, but I’m desperately trying to stay positive here. But really, people say that and I kinda wonder… If you have been lying about enjoying my authenticity, and what you really think is that I’m a whiner, then please discontinue reading this cause it’s about to get ugly in here. I totally admire mothers who keep their cool and remain positive and happy about their days. I really do. I strive to be her. But sometimes I’m just not capable. Today for example. I do believe I might combust. There is so much impatience and fatigue and frustration boiling around on my insides, I might actually explode, leaving my finally clean house covered in smoke and dust. But then I would be resting, so I don’t mind. Maybe I should start a forum […]
The reason I feel like I never get a real break from my job is my fault. I put a lot of pressure and importance on myself. I have this idea that that my little corner of the world will stop spinning if I go. Or at the very least someone won’t get fed or won’t go to bed on time. The horror.Irrational, I know. And I’m grown-up enough (barely) to admit it. It’s a frequent conversation with Ryan and I, this need for a “real break.” H– “I am so tired. I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired before. I just feel like I never get a break. I mean a real break, where it’s long enough and truly refreshing. I mean, when I go out with a friend it’s practically after the kids are in bed anyway and then I feel like I should hurry because I want to make […]
Like clock-work, each and every morning, my Asher alarm wakes me at 5:07a.m. Sometimes it’s 5:03, but generally, it’s 5:07. He’s quite serious about when things get done. At 5:07, he fully expects to be refreshed with a small bottle. I try to remember to prepare this little dose of libation the night before so when I stumble into the kitchen at 5:08a.m., I don’t have to do any more work than is absolutely necessary. I get Asher, change his soggy pants, feed him the bottle and put him back in his crib. Most times he’s cool with that routine, drifting back to sleep for an hour or two more. Most of the time I try really hard to drift back to sleep for an hour or two more, but for me there’s too much anticipation. Because the next waking is so unpredictable. I try to believe that I’m going to feel rested […]
