Their dad was on a work trip and we were eating dinner, sitting together at the round white table. I don’t know which house will have the table. These are the things I’m answering, for my children. It’s impossible that this is what I’m answering, but I am. At their ages, there is some confusion about divorce and the finality of it, and confusion on how we will have all of our things, that we have now, but split up, in two places.
I don’t know if they understand that this means the end of our marriage. A marriage that was also theirs, in the way that children connect.
The love stays, the parenting stays, the belonging stays…I don’t care who gets the white table.
Our kids are excited that if Asher is at one house and Miles is at the other, they can still play Minecraft, in tandem. This is mind blowing to them. Me too.
None of us know exactly what this will feel like, this sharing of things and time. I am stuck on the time right now, so afraid of being away from my children at all. So I remind myself that when we are in this much pain and angst, tension and quiet turmoil, I am not with my children nearly enough at all.
One night, as I tucked him in, Asher asked, So you and Daddy don’t have ‘mantic (romantic) love, huh? And I was stunned a moment and then said, Yeah, I guess that’s one part of it…
“That’s okay, Mommy. Now we’re going to be brave and move forward.”
He said this not with fear or fake. He said this with peace and a bit of happy in his voice.
“Who told you that?” I asked, with a lump in my throat.
Nobody, Mommmmyyyyy….I just know that.
Well yes, Sweetie. That’s what we’ll do.
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{ 11 comments }
They are SO PRECIOUS! You have taught them well. I think you’re amazing, Heather. (((hugs))) to you!
I’ve had a hard time explaining divorce to my kids. I’ve kept the word “love” out of our conversations, for fear they’ll latch on to that and think that loving is something we can just quit doing. I didn’t stop loving; I haven’t. Divorce was the most loving thing I could do for our marriage, and that’s where the pain comes from.
You’ve got a smart boy there. Many prayers as you make all these transitions at one time.
Sidnie recently posted..the story ended…
It’s so tricky…I walk so carefully through these conversations.
We’ve explained that there are different types of love, and that our love for them is something that cannot possibly change. Then I just hold my breath. We’ll keep talking, as they grow, that’s all we can do…
My kids surprise me constantly with their observations about this whole separation/divorce. They often take my breath away surprising me with a question or comment. It reminds me how much they internalize from simply observing or being in proximity to the ones they love and how important it is to be honest with them.
Carla recently posted..Eat, Pray, Sleep
Smart kid.
Be brave and move forward. Wow. How perfectly stated. :)
Elaine A. recently posted..Believing
Heather,
It has been some time since I have read your blog. I clicked over last week to “catch up” and saw that you are going through a divorce. I am so sorry…just so very, very sorry. I wish I had words that I could share….something I might type that might help. But sometimes….most of the times…one does not need words….sometimes….most of the time….we just need the person who is going to speak or type to just sit…..be still…be near us….and in that act of being we know we are not alone. So this afternoon I sit with your family…..all of your….I say no words….I am still…but feel my presence….and know you are not alone. Holding your hands….Cheairs
Cheairs recently posted..My son -Dora, Boots, Mickey, Minnie, The Wiggles and the connection we make through scripts
I read this on my phone this morning in a meeting when I should have been paying attention. And suddenly I was all teary-eyed because that boy of yours knew the exact perfect words to put out into your life. Keep those words close.
Sarah recently posted..Raising a Teacher
Amazing kid, amazing mom. Sending you all buckets of love.
Asher is brilliant. But you already knew that.
Robbie recently posted..Which Way
Heather, it’s a bit since I read here, but this hits my heart in a deep, tender place. I have no idea, really, what it’s like to walk where you’re walking right now. I’m sad for this pain and grateful for these glimpses of peace and “we’re going to get through this,” and breathing a sigh for the scary-hard decision that you guys have faced together. Your words here resonate in private ways I don’t often speak of myself, friend, and I think you are brave. Please know, you and your beautiful family are in my prayers tonight.
Amber C. recently posted..Familia del Lago
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