Just Write ~ The Seventh

October 24, 2011

{freely written words phone-thumbed to a friend via email}

“Elsie is in the Ergo, sleeping on me. I love this rocking with her breath on my chest. I wish this were all that I had to do today. But I’m watching Miles like a hawk and he’ll be home from school for at least a few days.

Ryan just left for another work trip. There was so much stress trying to get ready while juggling. Uncle K is here and last nite I woke up to he and Ryan screaming out. I put together bits and pieces to know it was an emergency. Ryan was saying to call 911 with so much panic. I thought Miles was dead. Of course I did. Because of the accident and how much fear I’ve been living in lately. But Kevin had been on the phone with his girlfriend and she said someone was outside her house and she was scared and then her phone dropped to the ground and she screamed and screamed so he of course thought the worst too.

It was the police banging hard on her door but she had so many other fears in her head so she thought that was it. Bad guy ends her. So she screamed. Poor her. Poor Kevin. Everything is okay. The guy who was idling in her alley drove off. Maybe he was there for some other reason. Maybe not. But that’s the worst thing about fear isn’t it?  Sometimes it’s a mirage and sometimes it’s not and you don’t get to know ahead of time.

So I just want to sit here rocking Elsie while I try to ignore the car in the alley. I want to believe it’s never going to steal my children. But it might.

So what I think I need in the face of fear is what you said:

“i don’t know what’s ahead. i am a little scared. but i also have a small sense of calm. a big sense of wonder. for what is next. and i figure if i just keep stepping through, stepping forward, my hope will grow and my steps will be less tentative and i will encircle myself in this bubble of faith that keeps growing. that i can do the next best thing, right thing, good thing. even as i continue to stumble trip stumble trip stumble trip.”

Yeah. That.

xoxo”

:::::

This is the seventh installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.}  I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. There are really no rules, besides Just Write! (Then link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.) 

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

Thank you!

Psst: One more thing…you can Grab the Button if you’d like. It’s right over there in the sidebar for your code-grabbing convenience.

If you need any help with linking up, email me! (heatheroftheeo at gmail dot com)

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

dearabbyleigh October 24, 2011 at 8:42 pm

i sat down to write with tears i didn’t know what for, and what i just wrote wasn’t it. but the fear you write of is. so true and so tangible. i don’t know why i came early to link up – i didn’t even know you’d be here. i’m so glad you were, and so glad all of yours are alright tonight.

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Heather October 24, 2011 at 9:02 pm

I’m glad you came early. It’s just so good to be understood. Thank you.

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Bridget October 24, 2011 at 9:52 pm

The car in the alley…does it ever go away?
Can it really, when part of your heart and soul and body is dancing out in the world?
Even when you stumble trip stumble trip, pray that you are stumbling in the right direction.
Bridget recently posted..Chasing Change

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Galit Breen October 24, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Oh your heart- its been busy. Sending love to you and yours, friend. xo
Galit Breen recently posted..Driving Stories

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Christine @ Coffees & Commutes October 25, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I’m with Gail, your heart has been busy. I hope it slows down a little. You need a more regular beat.
xo
Christine @ Coffees & Commutes recently posted..On my mind

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Gianna October 24, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Wow!
I tasted the fear and the panic in your post.
Seriously taste it. Because i let fear have it’s way with me all the time.
And I need to remember that fear is not welcome in my heart or home.
Gianna recently posted..Roadtripping

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Courtney @ The Mommy Matters October 25, 2011 at 5:11 am

Wow. Such description…such a vision you painted here. Sending warm and happy thoughts your way!
Courtney @ The Mommy Matters recently posted..Things Mommies Know

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Krista October 25, 2011 at 7:04 am

Oh my. Such wonderful words for a horrifying emotion. You nailed the words. I felt them. Sending you love and hope that you, that we all, find a way through our fears.
Krista recently posted..Perhaps I imagine wrong

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debi9kids October 25, 2011 at 7:47 am

I completely get that emotion, esp right now.
Mine are running on hyper-drive.

Glad she was ok. How scary.

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Crystal (crredwards) October 25, 2011 at 8:15 am

Heather, you perfectly captured the post-panic moment of peace. You also tapped into the longing I think we all share during that moment: “Please, please let this last just a little longer. I’m not steady yet. I need time.”

A lovely post. Thank you for allowing us in.
Crystal (crredwards) recently posted..iMapMyDemise

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Jamie October 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I like “post-panic moment of peace.”
Jamie recently posted..dum-dums

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Cute~Ella October 25, 2011 at 11:28 am

Fear is one of those things that just gets you. Interrupts everything as an uninvited guest and we just have to find a way to push it out. Thinking less scary thoughts for you.

(I’m sorry my link posted so many times from Linky, I don’t know what the heck was going on only that it kept giving me errors. Please feel free to delete most of them.)
Cute~Ella recently posted..Just Write – #7 Perfection

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Adventures In Babywearing October 25, 2011 at 11:29 am

Oh, so scary. Most days I am on edge with my shoulders up to my ears or completely numb. I miss the in between and normal.

Steph
Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..We wore suede boots to the beach.

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Justine October 25, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Fear is such a huge part of my motherhood that I’m not sure I can exist a day without it. But I’m not alone of course. It’s so much a part of this wonderful, beautiful, terrible love we have for our children. Because where there is light, there is darkness. Love – loss.

And it scares me every day as I stand on the precipice, breathing and hoping.
Justine recently posted..I’m coming out: I am a mommy blogger!

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krista October 25, 2011 at 12:20 pm

“Sometimes it’s a mirage and sometimes it’s not and you don’t get to know ahead of time.”
this hit me. that’s exactly it.

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Samara October 25, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Fear is the most gripping, dissatisfying emotion, isn’t it?
This here, beautiful explains both that feeling in it and the relief of the aftermath.
Samara recently posted..Just Write: Details Missed.

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Rach@InHisHands October 25, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Joining in today with you! Just Write first timer. ;-)

I just read about Mr. Miles. Poor baby! So glad that he is fine and healing.

The scary moments shake us and paralyze and leave us grasping at the only thing steady….the only One who can offer calm and safety and the ability to move again.
Rach@InHisHands recently posted..just write :: bold

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Jamie October 25, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Whoa, this post made my heart pound. You’re so talented.
Jamie recently posted..dum-dums

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suzanne @ pretty swell October 25, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Oh, I felt this so deeply as I read. The fear I feel surrounding my children is a daily (hourly?) occurrence. I was raised in an “expect the worst” household, so I can’t seem to help myself … and my over-active imagination. I seriously have to try to take deep breaths, control my thoughts and remember to be grateful, not always afraid. It’s not easy.
suzanne @ pretty swell recently posted..Confession

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