August 2011

You eat some sugar snap peas and a bowl of cereal and call it dinner. You worry that the crunching of your cereal may wake the baby. The baby that is in another room, behind a closed door. You consider yourself more accomplished than ever before in your life if you water your two plants in the same day. Wait. Scratch that. You consider yourself more accomplished than ever before if you master the magical babywearing contraption called the Moby wrap on the first try. If it takes twenty tries, you are normal. No matter how many times it takes you to master the wrap, every time you wear your baby in it, you feel a bit smug and also totally in love with carrying your baby close, hands-free! You throw a pillow across the room at 3 a.m. because you just can’t.be.awake for one more second and then you cry when the […]

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winning

August 24, 2011

I turned to look at her at dawn.The light was just right. Out loud I said, I can’t believe you’re here. She slept on. No matter what, having Elsie feels like the icing on the cake, like my birthday every day. While Miles gets ready to start school, we start the baby stage again and I think about years of sippy cups and diapers and up-at-night and I’m suddenly grateful. So grateful. I see them, our three kids, up in the unknown future and the now starts to go even faster so I try to stop doing that. I am here in the morning light, for today, looking at her. And then I’m up and I’m wiping the crumbs from the table (again) while the pictures of now are uploading to the computer to be kept for future reference. So I’ll know for sure this really happened. I scrub at the table like […]

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completely

August 23, 2011

I woke up thinking about Asher this morning. Lately I’ve hardly even had time for that which makes me feel guilty, of course. It’s funny how being a mom can make you feel bad for not being able to think about every part of every child’s life constantly. As if that were possible. Anyway, I woke up thinking about Asher and all the ways he is joy embodied. And I was grateful that he’s such a trooper because of how we’re so busy with his sister right now and it’s just hard if you look at it that way. He’s just four and sometimes he lets us know he’s sick of us always tending to a baby, but for the most part, he is simply full of humor and grace no matter what. He’s inspiring.     After I thought about that, I thought about how he would be if he had a […]

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in the midst of this

August 21, 2011

You’ve gotta teach ’em to self soothe, you know. You can’t tip-toe around or they’ll never sleep with noise. Babies know how to get you to pick them up–just let her cry. ::: I know which floorboards squawk under pressure. I avoid them. I am up on the balls of my feet, lightly stepping a dance out the door, gently turning the knob to make a silent shut.  I so badly want these quiet moments to last, more for her than for me. Minutes later, it’s as if some unknown force with a foot has forgotten the dance and stepped on her. She squawks first, then she screams. A loud train has gone by and shook her from her light and always tummy-disturbed sleep. I rush back in, no longer careful just quick.  Her face is beet red and crinkled with pain, her body making little sounds of too much air. I pick […]

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fall near

August 18, 2011

I hear a boom and then a rolling sound. It’s an apple, falling through the air after letting go of its branch and then hitting our boat and then rolling along the angled bottom. I turn to look and another apple falls, closer to me, hitting the ground with a deep thud. We have two apple trees and so many apples. They’re beautiful, and they’re going to teach me how to make crisps and pies. I think. Sometimes we’ll just peel them and cut them up and put them in a pan and caramelize them a little and then put them with ice cream. A little dash of cinnamon on top. A creation to indulge in. You know that saying, The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? I think about that when I look at Elsie.     Some people say she’s starting to look more and more like me, but that’s […]

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little stone

August 17, 2011

It was a red scooter sort of thing. A motorized two-wheeled zippy little thing. They were called Sprees and they were all the rage. Especially if they were red. We were standing in front of the high school and for some reason he told me I could drive it. I think I’d driven one before, but by myself. This time, my friend Angie hopped on the back and all I remember is that it was harder to steer. But the high school had a circular drive and the first thing I had to do was round a sharp corner. It didn’t take but seconds and we were down, turned sideways and under the scooter in the drive’s edge, little pebbles bouncing away. She said, Why didn’t you stop? She was in so much pain and she was angry and shocked. I had no idea how to answer her. For some reason, when I […]

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living the scream

August 14, 2011

I wrote this (lengthy) post to be a helpy helperton to those of you who have (or know someone who has) a colic-y baby in your life. And maybe I wrote it for me, like an article to myself…one that reminds me that I’ve tried, that I am trying, really hard. This is not the only way I’m a good mom and I forget that all too often. (What’s that? You forget too? Well then, stop that. You’re good. You really are. Believe it.)   ::: I don’t even know if “colic” is the word, you know? Babies are magical puzzles for the figuring out and sometimes what’s happening just IS. I guess colic is just a word we use when there are one thousand question marks and a whole lot of crying. Just as I say “constipated” when Elsie isn’t able to get the poops out because there’s so much air holding […]

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Her eyelashes are getting so long that they go out and curve up and then bend straight out to reach a bit further. It’s like they just got tired and had to lie down. I love that. I love her. She is a spitfire while still being sweet. (LOOK.OUT.) We’re still working on helping her, with all of the pain and crying. This means, because I’m nursing, I eat NOT a variety of things, but more like no dairy-no wheat-no soy…I’m The Accidental Gluten-free Vegan. And I’m hungry. (Don’t worry, Grandma. I’m still eating…it’s just trickier.) Elsie is so worth it and I’m learning that it’s helping her to refrain from a lot of foods I love and so I do. I keep meaning to write a post about The Colic and all that we’ve learned after Asher and now Elsie. I feel like kind of an expert. Like maybe I’m a Doctor […]

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all the time is here

August 10, 2011

I wake up thinking about another creative endeavor. I think this makes 5 Big Things I dream to do in the world. Number one is mothering, creating humans that live like this. Then the others, they are all of the other artist parts of me, reaching out and begging to explore the story of this life. I wake up with that new idea and then I feel the tap tap tap of the start to the day and I’m on my feet with breakfast and answering questions and rubbing away the sleep from all of our eyes. I’m reaching all around. We talk about finding balance and she has none and neither do I. We talk about accepting that in motherhood and then I think it’s impossible to accept that all at once. The only way to do acceptance is in moments. The balance is not in the big picture. It is in […]

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room service

August 9, 2011

It wasn’t easy having a baby at BlogHer. It was worth it, but it wasn’t easy. My head was split in half, covering her needs and trying to stay focused on all that needed to be done for the Serenity Suite. {This is where I say the hugest thank you EVER to Ellie, for her support and hard work the entire three days. This woman embodies what friendship really means. Truly.} One morning, after Ellie went out to grab coffee for both of us, I ordered room service and then promptly forgot that I ordered room service. Then I put Elsie in her car seat, set her on the bathroom floor and got in the shower. Then, when I heard a loud knock on the door, I WONDERED WHY. Until this thought passed through my cluttered synapses… OH YEAH. OATMEAL. So I hopped out of the shower, threw a towel around my drippy […]

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wicker

August 5, 2011

wicker bending to hold intertwined and tight with empty oval spaces for hands grasping and lifting I’m a wicker basket, I said to myself. I was sitting on the bed, staring down at a storage chest made from wicker. I doubt I can remember the analogy all that well right now, but I’m going to try. It’s 5:30 in the morning in San Diego. Elsie is sleeping soundly for the first time all night…or morning. My lovely friend, co-host to the Serenity Suite and constant helper with all things baby, Ellie, is up with me. We laughed at ourselves because this sweet baby is finally at rest and now we cannot. Our time zones betray us. This trip and conference and hosting of the suite is all so much. It is so much good while it is so exhausting, especially while my head is buzzing with a high-speed need to think only of Elsie while I […]

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Hello everyone – this is Ellie from One Crafty Mother here.   I’m a friend of Heather’s and a grateful co-host of the Serenity Suite at BlogHer11.   Heather has given me the reins to her blog to announce the wonderful people who have volunteered to host times at the Serenity Suite this year.  Heather would post this herself, but as you know she has her arms full of adorable baby. The Serenity Suite is a place to get away from the mayhem, recharge your spirit, make new friends and re-connect with old ones!  Stop by for a cup of coffee or a snack, put your feet up and RELAX.   The Suite will be open on Thursday from 7-pm – 10pm and on Friday and Saturday from 10am – 10pm (closing only for the opening and closing community keynotes). For more information about the Serenity Suite, be sure to check out Heather’s post about it here. We would […]

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