Just Write ~ The 14th

December 12, 2011

I woke up out of the habit of a lot of waking up and looked at the clock. 5:48. I rolled over, back to the dream I already can’t remember. Then came the shuffle of Miles’ morning entrance, the way I can feel him there even if I don’t hear him. 5:53.

I really thought it had been at least a half an hour since I dozed off again.

We last got Elsie back to sleep at 4 something. But 19 minutes after Miles came in, she was crying. I picked her up and she didn’t stop so I sat down with her and we rocked in the squeaking leather chair. Her brother wandered off to watch something on TV but suddenly he was in the next room, trying to get a butter knife out of the drawer.

Loud. Clanging. Banging. On a Nutella mission. I couldn’t call out for him to be quiet for the sleeping house without waking her so I just covered her ear with my palm and shot daggers to nothing out the doorway.

My mind wandered to design plans for a house by a lake. I don’t even really think about houses that much, but even so, this daydream made my heart flutter and peace came in my imagination, by the water. Quiet.

I could rock and hold her forever like that.

I prayed in fits and spurts, my mind doing the thing it does, going from thing to thing. 

The low rumble of a garbage truck reminded me that it’s Monday morning. Loud. Banging. Clanging.

I put her down and tiptoed. Quiet. I crossed the hall and passed by the bed and pulled the covers up to take away how it looked like I should get back in it. The room smelled like the coffee on the nightstand, gone cold, and when I pulled open the sock drawer to warm up my feet and not the coffee, I chose the ones from the hospital. They are so not in good fashion but they make me feel closer to Elsie. Navy blue with white bumpy tread on them. The white is fading from all the walking and washing. I can still see them on my feet in my mind’s eye, sticking out of the end of the hospital bed while I worried about her in the NICU. Six months have passed but not the worrying. Not today.

Loud. Banging. Clanging. The thoughts rushed in and I wanted to cross the hall again and pick her up and rock her all day. But Miles was hungry and Asher was up and we sat together with hard-boiled eggs and the monitor humming on the counter. We got ready for the day.

The quiet is between it all.

:::::

This is the 14th installment of Just Write, an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments. {Please see the details here.}  I would love to read your freely written words so join me and link up below. You can add the url of your post at any time. Just be sure it’s a link to your Just Write post, not to your main page. There are really no rules, besides Just Write! (Then link back to this post in your post so people know where to go if they’d like to join in.) (Any links not following those two guidelines will be deleted.) 

Also. Please take a moment to visit someone else who has linked up! It’s a really good way to meet new writers and get inspired by the meaning behind their moments. Word?

 

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Amber December 12, 2011 at 10:26 pm

My daughter is only 2, but I miss the rocking already. I hope you get some real quiet. Soon.
Amber recently posted..Pinpricks.

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Adventures In Babywearing December 12, 2011 at 10:38 pm

So much. I’m there.

Steph
Adventures In Babywearing recently posted..This is from memory

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Jessica December 12, 2011 at 10:51 pm

I love that my Evelyn will let me rock her nearly whenever I want, and she is 18 months old. Sweet babies. I shoot daggers too but them I remember they are just babies too, living their little important lives, being helpful and important all by themselves. The big babies are good reminders. Of everything.
Jessica recently posted..Monday Mumbles

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angela December 12, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Oh, this is lovely.

My Dylan is almost two, but he is still such a lover and spontaneously comes over to climb in my lap or snuggle or reach his arms around my neck. I cherish those moments so very much.

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Elaine December 12, 2011 at 11:19 pm

That last line is perfect. Even for the way I wrote and feel tonight. Just perfect.

I’ve been feeling similarly these days and seeking the quiet too. I know someday it WILL be quiet and I wish for this back. But right now it’s hard sometimes. I know.

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debi9kids December 12, 2011 at 11:24 pm

I still have my hospital socks, 5 years later, and I treasure them. I love to put them on from time to time and just remember… those beautiful memories.

A house by a lake sounds glorious and quiet and peaceful…
debi9kids recently posted..Will + Autism = Christimas with a Twist

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Shannon December 12, 2011 at 11:58 pm

On a Nutella mission. Love it!
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Varda (SquashedMom) December 13, 2011 at 12:26 am

Ah, beautiful, beautiful beautiful. As always. And that last line? Killer!
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..SNSS takes a Holiday (meanwhile, I’m over at Hopeful Parents today)

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Bridget December 13, 2011 at 12:40 am

Yearning for a big blanket of quiet but only finding it in the nooks and crannies of the day. It’s hard. And yet I’ll miss it someday…
Bridget recently posted..Words That Hold Me (Back)

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krista December 13, 2011 at 12:50 am

i respect any nutella mission. true story.
i felt bleary eyed reading this. does that make sense? because i could completely feel the early morning.
krista recently posted..twenty years

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Krista December 13, 2011 at 6:17 am

Such a beatiful way with words you always have. I love that back and forth rocking with a sleeping baby. Like you, I think I could stay there all day.

Prayers for your sweet girl. And your worry.
Krista recently posted..Shaking off the week

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Christa December 13, 2011 at 8:04 am

you are so good at this, Heather, at this finding the moments.

I hope you will feel all of us with you today – kind of interesting the test is on a Tuesday, no?

Sending love, and a deep sense of peace, to all of you…
Christa recently posted..releasing the old…

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Kathleen Basi December 13, 2011 at 8:16 am

Being newly arrived home from the NICU myself, this really resonated. I’m in the first chaotic stages of the transition to four children following a NICU stay…the subject of my sharing today…and the back and forth between quiet and chaos is somewhat bewildering! I have to say your post makes me breathe a little deeper, reminds me that transitions are just that…not permanent. Or rather, they are the unsettled time between one version of permanent and the next.

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Heather of the EO December 13, 2011 at 8:30 am

not permanent. Or rather, they are the unsettled time between one version of permanent and the next.

Oh yes. That.

And it feels so permanent while it’s not, huh? It feels like it’s going to be so unsettled and up and down and up and down FOREVER. So we just drink in the moments of grace and keep going. Peace to you, Mama.
Heather of the EO recently posted..Just Write ~ The 14th

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Jamie December 13, 2011 at 9:08 am

This is one of my most favorite posts! Praying for you and Elsie, especially, today <3
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Tricia December 13, 2011 at 9:14 am

Beautiful post. Thinking of you and your family.

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SoberJulie December 13, 2011 at 9:21 am

The quiet is there, between the chaos…I’m so glad you took a wee moment within it. I’ll be praying for more….
SoberJulie recently posted..Unexpected Blessing

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Ellie December 13, 2011 at 10:00 am

This post is stunning, Heather. I am with you today. Can you feel me?

Love you.

-Ellie
Ellie recently posted..My New Normal

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Kristen @ Motherese December 13, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Oh, gosh, those socks. I pull them on too sometimes.

And the thoughts that drift ahead to a quieter place at a quieter time. Yup, that too.

Love this, lady. xo
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..Bath Night

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Galit Breen December 13, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Yes my sweet friend, sometimes the quiet is only in the between. And we grab it even there, don’t we?

{Thinking about you guys today. xo}
Galit Breen recently posted..A Phone Call

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Trish December 13, 2011 at 9:14 pm

This is breathtaking.
Trish recently posted..Bad Cat

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Anti-Supermom December 14, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Hugs to you, Heather. I’m glad that everything is OK and I’m hoping you are finding some peace tonight.

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