Nope, I was not driving while photo-ing. But I am giving everyone suckers every time we go somewhere far, even Elsie Jane no matter if her thighs and toes get all sticky or not. Aaah, the quiet! ::::: You won’t believe it. We started off on our road trip yesterday, right? And we were prepared for a rough time, since EJ pretty much hates road trips. But then, this beautiful thing happened in which… it went really well. Maybe I’m a pessimist about such things, but I was utterly shocked and so was Ryan. Is it naive of me to give a whole lot of the credit to the Chrysler Town and Country we’re using? Does it sound like I’m just saying that because I’ve been given the use of this vehicle for one week for the sake of review? Well. I’m not. I sincerely love this vehicle, and my dear husband, who […]
Oh Milesy, you’ve been here seven years and you are a million good things piled up through all your learning and then a million more things that simply came along with you, out into the world on the day you were born. I was reading this book about age 7, about what happens developmentally at this stage and it said something about this being the year of melancholy. A year in which kids start to spend more time alone and a year when the brain and body is doing things that make a person extra sensitive and frustrated. I thought, UH OH. But I’m glad to know this ahead of time because it already started. You’ve always done that. As a baby you did everything the books said right on target, or as the over-achiever that you are, sometimes a little ahead. Back then I had no idea what a content baby you […]
these two photos were taken almost exactly one year apart. we had a birthday party for EJ yesterday and she had the best day of her life. So much attention and cake. My girl, she loves to be the center and she now knows that most every girl is bound to love cake. She ate that stuff like it was her first and last meal. One thing I know for sure about her? She doesn’t hold back. we had a bounce house and she had no fear about the whole thing, she just laughed and laughed her deep guttural giggly laugh like Asher’s. then Daddy bounced her up and down in our small pool and she slipped around and laughed even harder, bare naked and splashing so hard everything everywhere was getting wet. then she crashed super hard at 6:45pm and then woke up four times in the night. I’ll take this […]
a note to my children: cartoons were just on Saturday mornings with Froot Loops and the whole family couldn’t miss Cosby or Simon and Simon. We would sit there together with no reality. I got the first Nintendo and it was Christmas and Cousin Angie and Mama played Mario for a week straight and then your Bapa and me, we would play every evening while Nanny and Auntie Shelly rolled their eyes. Mario came in a cartridge and we never bought more games. We just saved the princess over and over and then tried to do it without losing even one life or other rules we made up. Guess what we didn’t have computers until I was a teen and then there was still NO INTERNET. When Grandpa Glenn’s dog died that I loved he had two choices call me write me not an email, but a letter and so he did, it […]
On Sunday morning Asher shouted, We have a leak! and I came down the stairs to see him standing barefoot, water up to his ankles, Legos floating by, plastic bobbing up and down and laughing at me in primary colors. RYAN!!! That was me, with the shouting this time and there came my husband to stand at the bottom of the stairs with me in disbelief. It had rained and rained the night before. So much that a big empty plastic bin that was sitting outside in the storm was full halfway up by morning. And this would be the night that our sump pump up and stopped working. I could write a million whining words about the mess, I really could. The sopping wet very large area rugs, the piles of soaked laundry, etc…but unusually, this became a day that I may even call good. There was panic at first and while […]
We have this crazy dog. She’s crazy around any other animal, no matter how big or small. She’ll charge a horse (yes, she’s done it) or a mouse or even a fly. She especially dislikes other dogs. It’s not awesome. We did all the right things, the dog park daily and all that and then suddenly, when I got pregnant, it was all over. No dog park for her! (There was a rat terrier incident.) Our Tia Maria became overly protective and has possibly even become more and more so with each new member of our family. She’s nice to people, but not to any other living thing, including trees–you know what dogs do to those. Now we have those baby chicks. We knew this would be an issue, so the chicks and Tia take turns being outside. We’re trying to slowly introduce them, like through the screen door and stuff like that, […]
My early riser is up with the light. Bouncing around and all chatter and energy. He passes the hours (yes, hours) before school with Nutella and checking in on the baby chicks (yes, chicks) and Legos and Animal Planet. Today we learned about walruses. Walruses apparently get annoyed with each other and jab those big tusks into each other. The narrator man says that’s okay because they heal fast and they’re made of six layers of blubber. On a commercial break, there’s an ad with a woman in a hospital bed. She says she had a stroke because she smoked her whole life. Her son is giving her a sponge bath and she’s talking about how she can’t do anything anymore. She tells smokers to “enjoy your independence now”. I asked Miles what he thought all of that meant and he said that everyone should stop smoking. Then he added that if you […]
When Asher was a baby and he was crying all the time, I remember trying hard to learn something about faith and then implement it. These were beautiful ideals and I wanted them in my life because I know the peace that comes from actively seeking the heart of God. But what I remember the most is that I was sitting there crossing my fingers and toes and wishing (that’s probably not very Christian) that the person speaking to a room of mothers would add a disclaimer. Something like, Yes, doing all of this will help you and you will feel freedom and peace. But, don’t expect to accomplish this if you aren’t getting any sleep and someone is tugging on you at all times. Then you get a free pass because implementing anything is impossible for you right now and you should just go ahead and expect very little of yourself […]
{Hi there, you! If you’re stopping by from Danielle’s place, the quickest way to learn about this place and this person is to clickety-click on the “Best of” or the “About” click-ables up there. So happy to have you!} I was invited to tell the story of Ryan and Heather in the a love story series with Danielle Burkleo and I said, Why yes, I’d be happy to. (Psssst! Danielle is so totally rad and so is her blog, Take Heart.) So anyway, if you head over there you’ll read about a moment in time that was all of our moments… My heart and soul were pulling past my ribs and reaching for him, that’s what it felt like and it was so palpable it was playing from the stage and in my mind, bringing the questions… You can read the rest over at Take Heart (I think that post will be my […]
I stood up in the balcony and watched my boys below, in the gym with all the other kids. I held Elsie on my hip and she watched with me. Miles was way off to the side, away from the other kids and I couldn’t see Asher. My heart dropped to my toes because Miles is always nervous in new places and around other people. He bites his nails like it’s his job and he stands alone while everyone else does what Simon Says. Then Asher came out of nowhere and Miles’ hands dropped to his sides and they moved closer to the other kids, together. They laughed and bounced and started running around when the game ended, Asher yelling, I’m chasing my bra-wer!! (brother) My heart lifted back up. The man who was trying to keep control asked the kids to sit in a circle. They were loud and everywhere. Miles sat down, […]
It was just Mommy and Asher, making a trip to the grocery store. I was playing Sara Groves and she sang, it’s a sweet sweet thing, standing here with you and nothing to hide. Light shining down to the very inside… sharin’ our secrets, barin’ our souls, helping each other come clean. He asked, Why does she say…sharing secrets? (this is when I had some rapid-fire mommy thoughts of how to explain the point of the song so a four year old could understand.) I told him that it always feels best to tell the truth, even if you have a secret about something you’ve done that you think you could never tell. I asked him if, when he sneaks something he’s not supposed to and then he tells me about it, he feels better. He said, without hesitation, YES. Yeah, it’s about that. It just feels better to not keep things inside, even […]
sometimes there’s something about a picture that just speaks to you and you just love it so much. I don’t care that there was too much light in the background, I think it gives it the perfect glow for the way Auntie Kay is loving Elsie… OWL BUTT! and then when the cousins are walking, there’s just something about watching them from behind, keeping up, listening, loving… Asher said, When I walk, my booty shakes!!! Elsie’s tongue-ish grin and my Dad’s hand. Enough said… I was being blinded by the sun, my eyes watering in the most perfectly warm-ish Thanksgiving day ever… Pumpkin pie and then sale ads from the paper. There are so many things in there that we don’t need for like half off. (Pssst…black friday is not my favorite thing. no offense.) They named the neighbor’s horse Dixie and then they fed her a lot of grass. It was heaven… […]
These are my ninjas. All parts to these costumes as pictured above are now strewn about the house. There were plastic swords and knives involved, that could be slid into a backpack type of ninja-wearing thing but most of them are gone. Somewhere in the yard or the playhouse or probably downstairs, buried in Legos. The masks? Maybe under a bed or something. But for one day, the boys were TOTAL ninjas and they loved every second of it. Especially the candy part. Right before trick or treating was coming to a close for us, they started actually saying trick or treat and thank you. This is progress. They don’t like talking to random people. Even random people with candy. Since that night, we’ve been battling sickness, each of us. Elsie has her first ear infection and right now as I type this, I’m trying to ignore the chills and the cough and […]
She doesn’t fit her age, I think. She’s still a sprite of a thing, fast footed through the hall of the house. Her body is aching these days though, all over she says, but she makes it look easy. I know it’s not even close to easy. Her arms swing a little at her sides and her posture is better than mine. She heads to the kitchen to get apple crisp ready for us. I wonder if it hurts her knees or hips to walk and her fingers and wrist to serve up the crisp. My Grandma, she makes the best apple crisp. And lefse, for the record. We sit down and look out the window and she tells the story of her half sister, the one she didn’t know until later in life. How their mother had her very young, before she was married, and she was a blue baby. She says, […]
We went to an art festival yesterday and the boys created. I love it when they do that. paper water ink flower by Miles (from a coffee filter) drying in the wind If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you probably already know, but my boys have been saying THE FUNNIEST things lately. Like yesterday when Miles went to greet Elsie after she woke up and he noticed she was sleeping in a sleep sack (in her crib) and he said, She’s like a little slug…a slug stuck in jail. And then the other day, Asher was in the bathroom and I heard him say, in a robot-like voice, You. have. 55. pees. So I said, What honey? and he answered, Oh nothing, that was just the toilet talking. Last night I was reading them books and the book said that a mother’s eyes sparkle like the stars in the sky. So […]
I woke up thinking about Asher this morning. Lately I’ve hardly even had time for that which makes me feel guilty, of course. It’s funny how being a mom can make you feel bad for not being able to think about every part of every child’s life constantly. As if that were possible. Anyway, I woke up thinking about Asher and all the ways he is joy embodied. And I was grateful that he’s such a trooper because of how we’re so busy with his sister right now and it’s just hard if you look at it that way. He’s just four and sometimes he lets us know he’s sick of us always tending to a baby, but for the most part, he is simply full of humor and grace no matter what. He’s inspiring. After I thought about that, I thought about how he would be if he had a […]
Her eyelashes are getting so long that they go out and curve up and then bend straight out to reach a bit further. It’s like they just got tired and had to lie down. I love that. I love her. She is a spitfire while still being sweet. (LOOK.OUT.) We’re still working on helping her, with all of the pain and crying. This means, because I’m nursing, I eat NOT a variety of things, but more like no dairy-no wheat-no soy…I’m The Accidental Gluten-free Vegan. And I’m hungry. (Don’t worry, Grandma. I’m still eating…it’s just trickier.) Elsie is so worth it and I’m learning that it’s helping her to refrain from a lot of foods I love and so I do. I keep meaning to write a post about The Colic and all that we’ve learned after Asher and now Elsie. I feel like kind of an expert. Like maybe I’m a Doctor […]
Elsie Jane, you keep me on my toes. And just look at you… I’m just so glad you’re here. When you’re in the midst of The Colic, you wonder if your baby will ever smile or sit content for even a moment or sleep peacefully. So this small moment? The one up there? I will (prepare for sappy sapperton) cherish it. I will cup my palm around it and gently pull it close. And then I’ll wait for more. There is so much more to come. the girl is mine. (That’s a song lyric, right?) (MY BRAIN!)
he won’t be the bad guy. Miles asks, can you be at least half bad and he says emphatically NO. I’m good. he is. he is so good. he wants his sister close and he takes each of her knuckles one by one those teeny tiny knuckles between his fingers and he presses softly smiling his cousin gets hurt and he brings it up all day wasn’t that sad when that happened, mama? yes it was, sweetie that’s him. he is sweetness. He is four. We got to keep him, despite every fear and he is so much more than the boy who had brain surgery when he was one and the boy who has a shunt and tubing through his body and the boy with the adorable glasses. He is The Noggin but of course he is Asher. Everything about him is simply who he is, just parts making up the most […]
Now my hands have found a small back to land on and one of them is always working hard on air bubbles, like morse code; tap-tap-tap, I tell that air up and out, you don’t belong. Now my hands are gently rubbing up and down a tiny spine, wondering how the terrain can be so small for now. I smell her head (of course) and I reach to move my hair in case it might be in her eyes or nose or mouth. She is up on my shoulder and moving my hair reminds me that I haven’t lately or slowly moved my hand around her small head, brushing soft little wisps of her hair into lines. So I do. I move my hand around and around this soft and tiny noggin and I breathe her in. I want to write pure and profound words about her existence and I want everyone in the world to read […]
1. There are things about each of my children that mirror who I am. Some of these parts are appealing, I suppose. Others…notsomuch. One thing that Miles carries of mine is neither good nor bad. Or, maybe, it’s both good and bad. Memory. Fierce memory. Just today he said, Remember that one time when I was three and that fly landed on my hand and I stood very still and it stayed there a long time. I do remember, mostly. I know he remembers entirely. That boy seemed to enter the world intent on memorizing every moment and everything. He hardly ever cried as a baby, so unlike his brother and sister, and looking at him you would have seen a furrowed and concentrated expression. It’s as if he arrived here knowing everything that was going to happen, an old soul, if you will. And it seems if that’s the case, he just […]
An interview with Miles: On being five… Me: What did you like about being five? Miles: I can jump high, playing Legos and playing with cars and having races with them. Me: What was your favorite thing about this year? Miles: I liked the water park and I also like going to get Legos. Me: Is there anything you didn’t like? Miles: It’s hard to think of that…I don’t like getting itchy. Or ravioli. {at this point Miles declared the interview over. good thing because my next question was about the five year old boys’ attention span.} ::::: There are so many things I want to say to him and about him on his birthday. So I made him this video and he says it’s cool if I share it with you. {Hat tip to my friend Kim for introducing me to the song in the video so we could both get weepy.} […]
My Dad asked about postpartum depression yesterday. He asked when it usually sets in. I couldn’t clear my head to answer the question because I don’t sleep enough to have normal conversations. I don’t know exactly what I said, but what I meant was something like, “as soon as the baby comes out…or anytime after that. Or even while you’re still pregnant.” I don’t know if it’s happening to me. Again. Maybe it is. It’s hard to tell without sleeping much at all. What I do know is that this is hard and that I cry a lot. As much as I don’t want to cry, as much as I just want to constantly feel joy, that’s not my reality. Sometimes I cry because I sing to Elsie when she’s crying and I just can’t hold it back. I’m a horrible singer and I really really mean the words… There you go with […]
The torpedo belly has taken to jutting out so far that it’s entirely possible I may yell at a staring-directly-at-my-protruding-belly-button-for-far-too-long stranger in public. I’ll just string all my usual responses together rapid-fire-torpedo style, like this: No-I’m-not-having-twins-and-no-I’m-not-due-any-day-this-is-just-how-I-carry-babies-speaking-of-babies-I-make-really-big-ones-and-yes-a-belly-button-CAN-stick-out-that-far!!!! Then the gawking strangers will look all apologetic and scamper away. At least that’s how it goes down in my head. 34 weeks Five-ish weeks to go, my friends. And I’m getting SUPER excited. It hasn’t always been that way for me, with pregnancy. I can get kind of distant from it, like it’s something foreign that’s happening to me that may or may not result in a person being added to our family. That sounds weird, but it’s just the truth. Sometimes things just aren’t really really real to me until they are actually happening. But this time, I’m just more connected and aware and anticipating. These five weeks are going to go fast-slow. When I […]
The always dirty little feet. Eating outside…or not eating, if you’re Asher. Which is the way it goes most of the time. Miles eats ravenously while Asher remains terribly distracted. Don’t worry, he’s still growing. The climbing of the apple trees. (Apples coming soon.) And um…yeah…happy small people. Last night we were eating outside and I looked around and said to my three people, Pretty soon there will be another one of us out here. Then she started hiccuping, shaking both of our bellies, as if to say I’m already here! Spring is good.
The computer actually coughed when I pushed the power button to wait for the screen to light up. cough cough whir sputter cough vroom! (success was slow in coming) Either this old PC of ours wants to be a part of the Influenza ridden crew that is my family, or it had actually been that long since I last turned it on. Or both. It’s probably both. Our little Asher sounds much the same. rev rev cough cough whir sputter cough And now it seems it’s Daddy’s turn, but his is more like a COUGH COUGH wheeze COUGH COUGH. (I capitalize for BIGGER COUGH) (poor guy) Me? I’m on day 4 (I think?) of uuugggggghhh and isolation in the bedroom, talking to myself and hoisting my pregnant belly from side to side. (not that I’d be complaining) (but I do actually have a sore on one elbow from all the hours of hoisting) (good grief) Seriously, […]
She’s a transplant, I thought. Taken out of there, the place where she built a life and then placed here, where spring is hard to come by and everything that was once familiar from her childhood now feels foreign. Her stories are here and there and she is both places, even though where she was is emptied of her. Only her mind’s eye can put her back there. She can’t really be back there though, because she just can’t, for so many reasons and besides, new people are in her old home. They came along to fill the cavity that was left when she was pulled out. You have a lot of stories, I told her. She answered that she wishes some of them weren’t true. I’m sure, I said, and I started to think about how I wish some of mine weren’t true. The difference is that most of hers weren’t of […]
a pudgy little hand and a little chocolate around the corners of his mouth.something spilled on his sweatshirt.long eyelashes.chubby cheeks. An IPod and head phones…who knew. ::::: This morning he took a little Lego light saber and pretended to laser off the age spots on my hands. Isn’t that thoughtful? He would say, “This will hurt just a little bit…zzzz…zzzzt.” I was almost convinced it was working so I sat very still.This is a good start to a (finally) sunny day. Happy Monday, friends. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
21 weeks We are past halfway to meeting her.Pregnancy, for me anyway, is one of those things that goesboth too fast and too slow,mixing itself up to be just the right amount of time. I think back to seeing that faint line on the test, way back in Octoberand it was yesterday and soooo long ago. Before we know it, she’ll be here and we’ll be looking at her likeshe was always hereand that seems really far away,before we know it. It’s just the right amount of fast and slow and thenthere will be this soft and holy HELLO. She kicked right below my belly button right when I typed that. She did. Or maybe it was a hello punch. I’m not sure, of course. But it was just right. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather
{those of you who have been around awhile will recognize this post. It was originally posted on 9.23.09 and came to be known as The Dust Bunny post. I share it again today because it’s Valentine’s Day and so I’m reminded that love is best when the darkest places are uncovered.} There are dust bunnies. So many. They are under the bed and in me, scurrying across the wooden floors of my home and my heart. They are moving much too fast through the empty, bumping into toys and crayons and dried up play-doh, then coming to a weary stop. It seems no matter how we try to keep up with them, they are winning. So we sweep up only the ones that are out in the open and then we leave the house, coming and going with the living of everyday life. We could hold them out in the palms of our […]
