we are…

April 5, 2013

    Let’s go together into spring, shaking the dust from our eyes and ears, spitting it out. It comes from too many damning thoughts, floats around and brings us to sitting, face in the dirt of our own piling. No, you are not lazy, unless you think you are. No, you are not going to be alone forever, unless you think you are. No, you are not going to go unheard. You are not going to stay right here. You are shaking it off and out and today is a day for moving. Out of your head or your very self or even your city. There are things to not ignore, getting trumped by your repetitive thinkings that demean you and rattle around and whisper hurtful and damaging things. The things to not ignore are heart-gut nudges that you choose to ignore because no no no, not that. That sounds hard. That […]

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Just Write {48}

August 13, 2012

Asher passed me saying I can’t find my hair I fight back a giggle what do you mean, sweetie? The hair for my guy! he says it like it’s so obvious. Legos. Oh yes, the Lego hair. I find it later behind the bathroom door so I think it’s poop but it’s bright plastic brown hair. Asher’s hair is so blonde it’s white. He’s not home but I’ll tell him later. This morning he stood next to me feeling the tubing under his skin I said, do you know what that is? No, mommy. That’s the tube that goes up to your head to your shunt and it makes your body work right. His little growing less chubby hand rests there at the tube under his skin next to me on his neck. He looks deep in thought and I tell him that what’s under his skin makes him have tools of power […]

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not flat, but round…

July 21, 2012

This morning the chickens jumped out the coop and I peeked in their first ever eggs peeked back. I nearly squeeled. I took them in the house and left Ryan a note “from the chickens” For: Ryan… We made you something. From: Haymitch, The Road Runner and Boss Hog. Sorry about the chicken scratch. On Instagram, with this picture, I said “Thanks for the eggs, Haymitch.” Someone asked if the name comes from The Hunger Games and I tried, not so eloquently, to explain. (If you don’t know much about The Hunger Games, Haymitch is a soft-hearted, hardened and drunk human being.) “Yes, actually. I understand Haymitch a little too well. So there’s some meaning for me. Chickens make me feel peaceful and that name reminds me of how much I need that dose of grace. Which sounds weird if chickens aren’t your thing.“ Yesterday a friend told me that Brennan Manning died. (Edited […]

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Just Write {44}

July 17, 2012

{snapshots from last week’s solo trip} driving alone is a simple pleasure for a mother. There’s no mommy mommy mommy! or fighting from the backseat. No angry babies with screams. just you and the road and the radio. I was nervous, leaving Elsie and the knots in my stomach tried to take over what I could see around me but I took those deep breaths and then I saw it, the way the trees and their shades of green made matte and glossy and it felt like I could touch them through the glass. Deer were out during the day, a mama and her fawn standing in the farmer’s field looking on. No deer in headlights, just that look they get like they must be curious but you can’t tell because it’s as if they’ve had botox for animals or something. They were far enough away to not scare me and so it […]

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Just Write {37}

May 28, 2012

So often I ask them how much I love them and they say to the moon and then I say and back down again and we go back and forth like that until one of us speeds up really fast and back up and back down and back up and back down… INFINITY. When I imagined having kids I thought I’d tell them I love them to the moon, but then I had kids and I found out the moon isn’t far enough. Infinity is the only thing forever and endless enough. This weekend I saw these kids move from winter tones to summer kissed ones and somehow it makes them look older. And we moved the boys’ beds from apart to stacked and so they’re bunked boys now. Like the big boys that they are, apart and together. The duo and pals that run past laughing and asking what to play next. […]

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walking baby

May 24, 2012

she says uh oh, so soft. her first words. ones that aren’t dada or mama, how she says those all the time because she’s asked to but doesn’t seem to know who they apply to and we laugh. now it’s just constant uh oh and that suits her our little bull in a china shop spitfire Have you ever held fire close because it asks you to pull it in slight tilt of the head big eyes engulfing? We’ve been set on fire over here… on my birthday, I felt sick inside no explanation something for a therapist’s couch. The morning brought me pain down deep and when she woke up and I walked into her room, there she stood on fire ablaze and I wept I don’t know she is a healing fire God put her here for my soul and the world’s… anything she does brings the gift of feeling that […]

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before

May 17, 2012

a note to my children: cartoons were just on Saturday mornings with Froot Loops and the whole family couldn’t miss Cosby or Simon and Simon. We would sit there together with no reality. I got the first Nintendo and it was Christmas and Cousin Angie and Mama played Mario for a week straight and then your Bapa and me, we would play every evening while Nanny and Auntie Shelly rolled their eyes. Mario came in a cartridge and we never bought more games. We just saved the princess over and over and then tried to do it without losing even one life or other rules we made up. Guess what we didn’t have computers until I was a teen and then there was still NO INTERNET. When Grandpa Glenn’s dog died that I loved he had two choices call me write me not an email, but a letter and so he did, it […]

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quiet

April 18, 2012

My soul begs for quiet maybe even more than my body begs for rest. A quiet room and mind. No racing thoughts or legs no loud no hustle no no no no no strife no strain just peace just a moment. No, that’s not true. I want moments. Many many moments of quiet, in a row. It would take days and days of quiet moments for the recovering of this heart and mind. This person. I am tight shoulders and held breath, sleep deprivation and overstimulation. I am numb. I am not. I am crying. I am trying. I am not. I am feeling a tinge of pride when my Dad walks in and I’m making brownies with Asher on a very bad day. Look at me go! I found the energy! As if his love for me changes based on what I’m doing or not doing. As if he has a piece of graph paper and […]

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a different thing

February 17, 2012

That kid’s song says, “it’s alright to cry, crying gets the sad out of you” and I always thought it might be a lie. It doesn’t seem like it’s alright. So I would sing it as a kid and it would choke me up right there at school with no reason. It still makes me cry to sing the crying song, especially lately because this anxiety thing is wearing out my body and I’m so damn depressed. You might be wondering why in the world I would listen to that song, but I don’t know, it just came on with the ipod on shuffle because there are a lot of kid songs on there. It takes all I have to give to walk over and turn the power on, make the music start to change the house song, to keep going. But I did the hokey pokey. Miles watched with such intensity waiting […]

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the blog speaks

February 2, 2012

WE   {a blog might say} I am a journal for you or for them and always for both pulled out from under the mattress seen. I am not taken seriously until I slap faces with perspective and the resounding gong of the universal human experience, pain-joy. I am a chameleon or a snowflake and always both. I will make you drop your fork to grab a pen to note the story for later’s keyboard. I tell that story, a pixel web vessel for the heart or mind or skill and for all of that and more and for the song to be heard. Behind me is a story-teller a person behind a screen fingers tapping. I am a mouth and an ear, I am the pretty things or the ugly things and always both. opinions words stories quotes voices platforms speaking out pissing off saying it gently like it is loudly like […]

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underneath

December 30, 2011

under my surface I harbor a great fear like there’s a meteor on its way to earth headed right for our home it shines like it’s beautiful and we reach for so many things that twinkle to destruct so take my hand you’re still the one my soul loves and maybe we need to duck and cover bob and weave but we are underneath it all while meteors fly through the sky and what should we grasp? we don’t know what we’re doing just trenching maybe all of it and then even more ignites beauty and some will destruct but no matter we are cared for at every aching end so take my hand.    

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you can have mine

November 19, 2011

I told you, you can have all of mine until I’m emptied out just a shell of me on the floor someone else will pick me up fill me up empty themselves to a puddle on the floor and so it goes 6…7? billion people on the planet what else are we to do but fill each other up off the floor He said, this morning you have such a great capacity for this kind of thing and you know what? I do. I have learned to love because of people like you and there is nothing I’d rather do. I will fight with you and for you when you can’t and I will bury my face in my life while you do the same in yours, moment by exuisitely painful and beautiful moment. I will sit with my knees bent and burning into the ground and pour out fear and turn it into […]

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soft

October 28, 2011

I am exploding. Not with excitement or doughnuts but with syllables and vowels sandwiched in consonants. I have two ninjas at my house right now ready for Halloween. I’ve tried to convince them that ninjas are perfectly quiet. I am still meeting midnight and two and three and five every night with a huff, mad at the clock and my body. And just think to them, I say control your body about 97 times per day because I have two boys around a baby. They wrap each other up in black and red ninja, helping with masks and tying ties around arms and knees. The brothers ninja. The tallest one with the broken collarbone cannot stop sniffing sister-head like he’s got his face buried in pillows. WATCH THE SOFT SPOT. His love for her is so intense and free and good in the midst of the battles. Mama Mama Mama I am beckoned […]

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play your story

September 21, 2011

They are outside in a world I can’t see with ninjas and Star Wars and other strong fighters. Play is where they are. What now, brother? What’s next? There’s never an end to the story they create. Story begins with Play. They happen upon a treasure. A bug or maybe a rock or acorn. They see it this way because story is treasure and taking time for the freedom of fun keeps us fully alive and wanting to tell the story.   Friends! Please join the Story Bleed team and the Go Go Gang in celebrating World Wide Day of Play by uploading a photo of your kids at play to the GoGoSqueeZ Facebook page. After the Go Go Gang on Facebook reaches 100,000 playful photos, GoGo SqueeZ will build a playground in an area that’s lacking a fun space to play! I love how this is such a simple way to do […]

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turning

September 8, 2011

  He forgot that he thinks he’s too big, he held my hand all the way to the cafeteria. Two friends at the table were crying hard and another was so brave, he said he was left all alone once and didn’t even cry. Miles didn’t say a word to that but his eyes said his wheels were turning. It was time to line up and head to class and so I bent to hug him and bit back tears and he made his MOOOOM face and bit back a smile. I didn’t make it back to the van, sob-walking and then sob-driving. I was left all alone and I did cry. ::: Back at home I fed Elsie and her blue eyes looked up at me and Asher whispered questions. Nanny came to be with Elsie and I took Asher to an appointment and we drove by brother’s school together, waving and […]

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fall near

August 18, 2011

I hear a boom and then a rolling sound. It’s an apple, falling through the air after letting go of its branch and then hitting our boat and then rolling along the angled bottom. I turn to look and another apple falls, closer to me, hitting the ground with a deep thud. We have two apple trees and so many apples. They’re beautiful, and they’re going to teach me how to make crisps and pies. I think. Sometimes we’ll just peel them and cut them up and put them in a pan and caramelize them a little and then put them with ice cream. A little dash of cinnamon on top. A creation to indulge in. You know that saying, The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? I think about that when I look at Elsie.     Some people say she’s starting to look more and more like me, but that’s […]

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soul story

June 27, 2011

It’s funny how I remembered but I didn’t really remember… this stage. But then again I guess it’s not that funny. Funny as in weird. I mean, I remember college, but I don’t really remember. I’m listening to music from college and it brings back some of it and all the while Elsie sleeps next to me so far from college and I wish I would be able to remember all of this one day. this day-is-night-and-night-is-day and hard and soft and beautifully difficult stage.   we’re both finding our way and we’re doing it together.   she will grow more and lose her wrinkles while I grow more and keep mine. The ones that weren’t there in college with these songs but are here now, telling their stories with new songs. and one day I’ll forget, so I lay wide open my heart and leave pieces of it here to look back […]

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both and beauty

May 18, 2011

I sit out in the sun with my boys and I love the sun and my boys so much and wasps start to dive-bomb us. We run in the house. They are playing so well together with coins and coins and more coins, pushing them across the hardwood floors, there are coins everywhere, scattered. When they’re done I ask them to pick up the coins and they listen the very first time. Then they get distracted and leave half the coins and I’m standing and saying it again like a record broken. I get up the gumption to take them to the park and not far into the sliding and swinging I can tell my biggest boy isn’t feeling well. We go home. I worry. I get out a snack, some veggies and dip and they eat them and I let myself think for a moment Look. I have boys that eat veggies. […]

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two

April 27, 2011

Strangely, this is morning number two. It feels like more and less. This is all surreal, friends. Both sunrises, I’ve woken early with words wanting out of my two thumbs. A tedious task on a tiny phone, but I’ve got time. Yesterday I received more information on preemies. It became really real to me that we are going to juggle life at home and here, two hours away for quite some time. She explained that the baby will be on a nearby floor from my room. two floors. two rooms. I cried. I hadn’t since the night before with all the things going so fast and such surprise. now I cried over reality. Last night Miles had a hard time at bedtime. We do this routine, you know and it’s hard to feel its absence. We both want me to stand in the doorway and blow just one last kiss while he blows […]

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Please

April 13, 2011

notes to my children: Don’t forget to feel and then move on if things don’t go the way you thought they should go. Sometimes what you want isn’t even what you wanted anyway. Open doors for girls. Or better yet, open doors for anyone and everyone coming through. Please. Your brother will be your best friend, if you let him. Don’t pass up chances to go to far-away places even if it doesn’t seem like the right time. Marry someone who likes so many of the very same things that you like. Please. You need to trust your heart-gut, it speaks to you. It is a true voice that can keep you safe from danger and lead you to great things. You were made for those great things, like laughing or changing your corner of the world. There are dreams in your heart and you’ll surely forget them sometimes so circle back and uncover […]

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forward

February 5, 2011

He runs at me with his arms out,he wants to be held. He takes a break from whatever he’s doingand he saysmommy mommy mommyover and over while he lungesfrom across the room. It’s like he hasn’t had water all dayand suddenly he sees a lakeand he doesn’t think for a second thatit’s a mirage,he’s just certainthat he’ll get what he needs. Sometimes he saysI love you I love you I love youI wuv yooouuuulike a deep groaning whinethat’s how he says it,like his heartis burstingand he’s running out of timewhile he runs across the room. When did I lose that kind of certaintyin the rushing for what I need,I wonder.SoI pull him inand hold him tightand I say I love you I love you I love youwith an intensity like hisfrom the way we both feel it. I won’t protect myself in fear of the day that he pushes me away,Mom…don’t!I will keep […]

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strangers

November 14, 2010

I hear her over there and she’s saying, Well I saw that he commented on her statusand she’s not my friendbut likeI could see the updateso that’s how I knew about the job change.They stir the whipped cream through their coffeeand keep going, about updatesand the way they know things that way.I’ve been feeling scared to say hello to another stranger,she’s reading a Donald Miller book in a chair nearby.I figure we’re both probably going to hear him tonight.The conversation that’s still going makes me want to say hello to a stranger in person.So we talk a momentand we find out we know some of the same people.Her smile is the light up the room kindand I’m glad I asked about her bookand if she’s going tonight because she is.So we talk about what it is we love about Miller books.Right there in persontwo strangers connecting without a blinking cursoror a keyboardI had […]

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it’s just true.

October 7, 2010

It feels too flowery to say he’s my sunbeam.But he just is, this boy. He was very very sad and scared a couple of nights ago.I took he and his brudder to the firehouseand there were so many peoplein crowds waiting to check out the enginesand lines for the bounce house,some people sitting and some standingand in just a flashhe was gone. We looked up and aroundand back and forthand I felt the panic. The longest minutes went bywhere I thought the thoughtsthat kill a mom’s insidesand thenthere he was.His face was crumpledand his tearswere so bigand he thought I left him. I ran for himas he held a stranger’s handand it seemed like a really reallylong timesince I’d seen him last. And it felt too flowery too say it to himbut I said those things you say right then,I’d never ever leave youI love you so muchI don’t know what I’d do […]

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the view from here

September 8, 2010

Asher is napping and Miles is coloring.The dog is snoring on the couch behind meand there’s a fly sitting on the bottomof the computer screen.It’s been sitting there for minutes and minutes,like it’s not sure what to dolike me. Oh and there he isso now I know.Asher, calling out The words on the pagewill have to waitlike the fly. The view from here pullsand so I go to them.No nap for Asher todayand this is how it is. I do what I can when I can,I write words or sometimes I don’t,because there’s no predictingor planning, really. And it’s very very good,the view from here. ~~~~~ Comments are closed on this post. I think they’re broken anyway.Thank you for visiting me. Thank you for allowing me to pop up in your inbox and for reading my words, silly or serious. I appreciate you. ~Heather

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Good intentions

May 24, 2010

For those of us who try to keep remembering,Try to do our better than our best.Think of all the children in the drifts of snow.Winners never quit, but winters never rest…No, this is not a test. Taking numbers never made any sense.Cause you can have it if you want it, anyways. ~She & Him {This is not a Test} ~~~~~~~~~~ I’m going to stop doing that. Today I’m not going to do that. I’m going to start doing that. Today I’m going to start doing that. I remember when I used to do that.One day, I’ll start doing that againor I’ll never do that again.Doing. I put so much weight on what I’m doing and not doing.I carry so much weight, thinking about what I’m doing and not doing.RightWrongToo muchNot enough It is good to strive to do the right things and not do the wrong thingsand it’s defeating to strive to do […]

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The last time I drove byit hurtto think back on her,on menot so long agobut so long ago I came that way againturning my eyes to the laketo see the changesthe new housesthe remodelsthe spaces wherecabins once stood In came a hundredmemoriesof a twenty-somethingparty girlwho lived on the great wide andgreen lake What would she ask me?I thoughtWhat would she want to knowabout who she would become,who she would be becoming? You’ll be okayI’d tell her,then. now.but you are taking a terriblylong wayto okay.It’s starting nowand you knowbut you don’t know You will have a new lifewhile you’re still both youand a wife and a momand you will feel like bothand carry too muchof the now with youthen The pit of your stomachmay never forget thisversion of yourself,brokenby yourself,and not yourselfby he and themand her and him But your heartwill start to heallong from now,the nowon the lake,and you will seesomehowin the blue […]

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Shadows

April 1, 2010

I want to remember it all.How can we spend so many hours in a daytrying and then forget the vibrant colors,the details and sounds and smellsand all the minutes?I get sad over that. I’m left with bits and pieces,when I look backover just one year. There are only parts of picturesflashing through my mind,the whole erased with the addingof hundreds of long days. These days are too beautiful and messyand hard and goodto forget, but I will.I will only remember theparts that were the most feltand so I work on feeling. And then the shadows of all these things,dark and vibrant, light at the edges,will make a home in my heart.Even while the colors escape my mind. And I will know it allbecame a part of me.Of us. The way we spent our daystryingtogether.The long hours spentin the hard and the goodand the beautiful and the messy. The shadow of always belongingtucked there […]

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I carry you

March 22, 2010

I Carry You~originally posted on June 31, 2009 I look down and my hand is doing that thing,it’s resting on my lap in a curve. Dad, your hand was just this same way today, I saw it.It was sitting there resting exactly like this. Just like Grandpa. The same hand in the same spot. Curved just so, fingertips to leg.The lanky fingers that grow thicker with time,they curve on the lap and rest. I do it too and it’s just like the unconscious way I run my finger across my lip like Grandpa Glenn when I’m nervous. Or how I grab the bottom of my shirt and rub my thumb across the fabric, like Grandma Helen. It’s the way I care like Aunt Elsie and understand like Grandma Colleen. It’s the way I laugh like Aunt Sandi and cry like Auntie Kay. Today I’m thankful that I carry you, all of you. My […]

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Quiet

March 11, 2010

This is how Asher countswhile playing hide-n-seek.He counts to five, very slowlywith his ears coveredand his eyes scrunched shutand then heROARS.After that, he’s off to seek the hider,as if his little routine was entirely necessary. (The above photo-with the nice view of brownies in and around his mouth-was taken at The Point Of ROAR. You’re welcome.) His roar is not quiet at all,but it’s all he hears with his covered ears,so to him?Quiet. Sometimes that’s what we all need to do, huh?Block out the world and let out a roar.And then we’re off to seek and find… Go ahead,ROARand thenShhhhh…. Your insides will thank you. P.S. I’m getting back into a more regular writing routine over at the Mama Manifesto. I have a post over there today about kids and how early in life they learn to hide their feelings. (I know, ACK!) Go on and check it out if you’d like. I […]

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Heat rises

March 7, 2010

I pass him on my way in and he’s intent on his anger. He brushes by me repeating, I hate this I hate this I hate this. We share a moment of his pain on the sidewalk and I’m rattled by the heat of rage rising up the skin of his neck. I come in to the warmth of the smell of coffee and sugar. I sit down and breathe and I think Oh humanity. ~~~It’s a blind date, I think. His leg pumps up and down with his nerves while he lifts his mug. He says something she seems to be confused by and so she says something about his priorities. It’s a joke, but he swallows the lump in his throat while the heat rises to his face and his leg bounces faster with his fake laugh. There’s an awkward silence and then she asks how big his family is. They […]

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